HARLYNN
~flashback~
Another one... I'd lost another one... why did this keep on happening? All I wanted was to have kids with him, start our life together our forever and here I am... my sixth miscarriage.. and still I could never tell him about it. I knew if he found out eventually it would hurt him and I could understand but I just don't know how to tell him, I sat on the bed crying I was all alone because the guys were on tour. He would be home in a few days and I'd have to try and act as if nothing was wrong, I felt so lost, confused, hurt. Why couldn't I just have kids? It's what we both wanted but now being on my sixth miscarriage I don't wanna do this anymore, I didn't wanna keep on trying. I didn't have to work anymore because the band had been so successful and Zacky wanted me to stay home, but I did art and sold things I created so I had something coming in, but after all this? I lost my spark.
I didn't know how to pick the pieces back up again, how to get my drive again and I knew I was heavy into depression. I had been secretly seeing a therapist and was on meds. I didn't know if it was really helping though. I felt defeated and every time this happened I fell back and became withdrawn and it caused problems between us, I just didn't know how to talk about it I was worried he wouldn't want me anymore if he knew I couldn't even give him a child. I always just went through it on my own and dealt with it, I was scared to lose him I loved him too much. How do I get out of this dark hole I'm in? I just wanted to feel normal again and get back to myself.
The next few days flew by I didn't know when he would be home, I had tried calling but couldn't get through to him so I let it be and went about my day getting the house cleaned and running errands. As the day went on I decided to go into my little office and sit down at the desk to try and create something, I worked for hours on a few pieces, making something based off the pain I was going through. I looked at the time it was already five I decided to check my phone but still
Nothing so I decided to eat something and then take a hot shower, I let the water just hit I stood there for awhile then I jumped when I felt arms around my waist.
"God! Zacky!"
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to scare you I wanted to surprise you.." he gave me a kiss moving hair from my face and smiling at me "I missed you so much"
"I missed you too... I was trying to call you today"
"I'm sorry... we were just so busy trying to get things packed up and everything and I was so tired I crashed once I got in my bunk.."
"I'm just glad you're home..." we finished our shower and got out as I was searching for clothes he came up behind me kissing my neck.. "what are you doing Zachary Baker..."
"What do you think??? It's been months and I missed you "
"I missed you too... I just..."
His arms dropped and he sighed in frustration we hadn't slept together since before the tour because I miscarried "okay... yeah... I forgot here we go again"
"Are you serious.." I said turning to him
"I forgot you don't want me..."
"Zacky that's not it it's just I've been going through so much and I-"
"Right... still... it's been five months.... I figured by now you'd come around"
"Zacky... I want you... I always do... I'm just not feeling like myself... I've been really going through it my-"
"It's fine... " he said getting dressed I sat on the bed crying he sighed and came over to me trying to hug me but I shoved him off "Har come on...I'm sorry..."
"Zacky just leave me alone... I'm tired of you doing this to me..."
"Fine... whatever" he said getting dressed and leaving the house I eventually got tired of waiting up and fell asleep. The next day I sat and thought... he had come home so late and didn't say anything to me, I realized how the way I acted made him feel and I felt bad about it. I eventually got back into bed scooting over to him and laid my head on him, he pulled me in giving me a kiss. "I'm sorry about last night Harlynn it's just I don't know what is going on with you... with us... things have changed... I want so much with you but... you don't want the same thing..."
"Zacky I still love you that should be enough... things could change we don't know...I'm sorry I've been so distant I just... I've been heavily dealing with depression and it's been so hard... I've felt so worthless... so lost... I'm not myself..."
"I'm sorry... I should have understood better ... I just don't know what to do anymore..."
"Zacky I'm just really going through it... I have been for awhile now.... That's why I haven't wanted to be intimate it's nothing against you it doesn't mean my feelings have changed..."
"I just miss you..." he turned looking at me and gave me another kiss and one thing led to another and eventually we fell back asleep. When I woke up it was four and I decided to get the housework done then try and work on some more art, eventually it was time to make dinner but when I went down to the kitchen he was heading for the front door.
"Hey, where are you going? I was about to make us dinner..."
"I just wanna get out Harlynn.... I dunno what time I'll be home..."
"But.. Zacky..."
He opened the front door "I'll see you when I get back..." he left and I went to sit on the couch with a million thoughts going through my head, I had opened up to him and told him what I've been going through, I missed him and yet here he is running off? Not to mention we were intimate last night, I just wanted to spend time with him... I didn't know what I did wrong I apologized to him. I thought we were okay we made up we talked about it but he's acting so weird.
I stayed on the couch zoned out trying to figure out how I could save this, I thought he would understand that I'm going through a hard time and understand that depression is hard. I waited for hours for him to come home, I'd tried to call but no luck I started crying I didn't understand, I thought we loved each other? Around three in the morning he finally came back home I was in bed facing the window curled up and crying again. I was confused he said he was sorry I said I was sorry so what was wrong? He took a shower then got into bed and tried to pull me in but I took his hands off of me.
"Leave me alone.." I muttered "I don't understand Zachary... how can you tell me you're sorry then just leave like that.. act weird towards me..."
He just sighed and rolled over and we fell asleep the next day I stayed in bed I was still upset, he got up and showered then got dressed, I sat on the edge of the bed I knew I needed to tell him.
"Zacky I gotta talk to you about something... about why I'm so depressed... why it's been hard for me to-"
"Look I gotta go okay? I have to get to the studio..."
"Zacky please this is important..."
"Harlynn I gotta go... what don't you understand?!"
I said nothing else and let him leave
