The hum of the engines vibrated through the ship all the way to the living quarters. The Cat noticed it but said nothing as always. He was too busy watching the flat screen on the opposite wall of the room. Lister on the other hand was unaware of the vibrating. A rather strong vindaloo had left his bowels feeling a tad uneasy and he was putting the vibrating feeling down to bad gastric flatulence. He was smoking a cigar that was starting to make Cat's eyes water.
"Since when have you smoked cigars?", the Cat announced angrily, "the smell of it makes your armpits smell like potpourri"
"There's no more cigarettes on board, so I had to start on Rimmer's stash of Cuban cigars", Lister tasted the flavour of the strong cigar on his lips. It really wasn't that nice, "I don't get what all those celebrities and politicians get from smoking these things. You don't even inhale them. Just swirl around the smoke for awhile and blow it all out"
"Fun it is to hear about your suffering", the Cat started pointing at the flat screen, "but you haven't answered my question yet"
"It's not that important Cat", Lister tried not to choke on the heavy smoke in his mouth.
"It's important to me", the Cat even fixed his tie to show how serious he was, which was pretty damn serious.
"Why does it matter if Jessica Rabbit is a rabbit or not?", protested Lister, "she is still a cartoon character all the same"
"And what's that got to do with it?"
"Because she's not real, and she'll be even less real if she was an animated rabbit, so your question is stupid Cat", Lister was hoping for a quiet Sunday and this wasn't helping.
"That's the problem with you humans", complained the Cat, "you have no outlook on life. No imagination. If you can't see the beauty in Jessica Rabbit, then it's you that needs glasses buddy. My eyes are wide open to all the beautiful women of this universe", he held his eyes open for effect, "and when the right three or four ladies come along, I'm settling down for good"
"Right Cat", Lister just agreed with him to save anymore unnecessary hassle, "when the right three or four women come along. Good luck with that"
"Buddy, I don't need luck", the Cat held up a self help book, with David Hasslehoff on the cover. It was called, how to find the right three or four special women in your life, "I've got this", he smiled, which showed off his teeth, "you should read this thing. This dude has it all figured out. You mark my words, I'll have my three or four women by the end of the year. David said so", he began to flick through the pages, "I'd lone it to you, but no point in helping the competition", he flashed his teeth again.
Lister gave up trying to argue his case. Instead he took a drag from his cigar. Unfortunately it went down the wrong way and he choked on the smoke. He cursed the air and hoped that they came across a derelict craft soon with a ten year supply of cigarettes on it. He fired the cigar in a nearby sink and took out a plate with bread, butter and a box of sugar puff cereal on it. Lister began to make himself a sandwich, finishing off by cutting the crusts off before crushing the whole lot between his hands as a satisfying popping sound emanated from the sandwich.
"There's nothing like a good sandwich for breakfast", Lister's mouth was watering as he eased the sandwich towards his lips.
"That's another thing", Cat started again.
"What now?", Lister lowered the sandwich from his lips.
"Since when have you ever felt the need to cut crusts off your sandwiches. That's another Rimmerism", Cat was delighted with the new word he'd made up.
"A what?", Lister already guessed that this was gonna be a really long answer that wasn't really gonna make sense by the end, but there wasn't much else to do in deep space, so may as well try and make the time go a little quicker with meaningless conversation.
