A Pretty Sad Guy

Defective Human

When a guy is depressed it's usually because one of two reasons; money and career or romance (most commonly a woman, but hey, love struggles don't discriminate lol). However, unlike the pathetic peasants struggling with their mundane problems I am a special guy, I have transcended past the trivial pursuits that plague most mens' lives.

...

Nah, I'm just like most guys. Almost all my problems boil down to three things; how can I become successful (in the general sense), how can I get women to like me and how can I resist the urge to stuff my face with double chocolate muffins. Other than those things not much else bothers me. Chores, work, gym, friends I'm good brother. Happier than a quokka. But when the topic of women arises I'm sadder than an abandoned puppy.

I know it's a cliche for a guy unable to get laid to save his life to feel sad about the topic of women, but...I don't care. This is my life and my story, you're not the one who's gonna cry in their pillow after this so suck it, Imma talk about the things that make me a pretty sad guy. If you're willing to stick around and read the whole thing, that'd make me a little less sad to be honest.

Without further ado here's the pretty sad story about my pretty sad story:

** Smitten From a Profile Picture **

This story took place two years ago and from the title alone you can see how down bad I was at that point in my life. 

I am an Arab guy living in Canada, have been ever since I was a toddler. I'm brown on the outside but in many ways I'm white on the inside. In elementary school I was too ethnic for the white kids and too white-washed for the Arab kids. Living in a predominantly white neighbourhood growing up I liked white western girls (because that's basically everyone around me in early adolescence when I was going through puberty). All through middle school, high school and the first half of university (before COVID) all the girls I was attracted to and pursued were western girls who don't share my faith or customs. 

By the way throughout this story I will refer to non-Muslim girls as western girls because it's easier and it allows me to accurately illustrate my headspace at the time.

One other thing you should know about me is that I'm a pretty socially awkward guy. I was never bullied, I was just the weird kid no one wanted to have around. Not even the teachers liked me, I was just this weird guy you kinda felt sorry for, but not enough to invite him to sit at your table.

The combination of both those things; the cultural misalignment and my socially awkward nature naturally made for a pretty underwhelming romantic life for me when I was younger. Was I sad, of course I was, but it never really affected my sense of self that deeply. When a western girl rejected me it never hurt me too much because I could always justify it as "our cultures are too different, there's no way we could be a match", or "god is protecting me from doing something wrong". Regardless of whether that's right or wrong this type of thinking had the effect of psychologically shielding me from the creeping sense of self-loathing and feelings of loneliness that a guy with my batting average is likely to experience.

In my 3rd year in university (near the end of the pandemic but we were still at home) I was scrolling through Instagram and happened to see the profile of a girl who caught my eye. She was Arab like me (in fact from the same country), goes to neighbouring school and only one year younger. I had nothing to lose so I shot my shot. My Arabic isn't the greatest and she had a pretty distinctive name so I asked her what it meant. 

Surprisingly she responded, and we started talking. She was studying the same program, she also came to Canada super young and struggled with her identity as an Arab living in the western world. I felt that we had a lot in common and I quickly (like a fool) became infatuated with her, mostly because she was hot and nice.

After a few days of talking she started to respond to me less and less, normally I know what this means and I just cut my losses and move on. But for some reason this time I felt that I can make this work. I continued to try and talk to her (one or two messages a week) and get to know her better. I thought this coldness is because she never met me in person, so after a while there was this social gathering for Arab students happening nearby and I came to it. I actually got to meet her in person. After that she started liking all of my pictures and stories, so I thought yeah boi I knew I shouldn't have given up.

But after a few weeks from the event the same cold behaviour started again. Honestly, I was losing my mind. Because of the fact we went to different schools, were in different years, didn't share any hobbies (I'm very much a gym rat and she is more of the artsy type) and my insane work schedule that summer (I was working a full time job while juggling 5 courses in university) we weren't able to meet outside of those events. 

The next month there was another event I went, that time I actually met her friends and I got the sense that she told them about me and they were actually pretty nice to me. Although I felt as though she saw something in me and we had great chemistry in person she was still very cold and distant online. She often times would leave me on read and only respond to me hours, sometimes a day or two later. She had a habit of only responding to my texts at 2AM (not 1:30AM or 2:30AM, always at 2). But she would always give pretty long responses. She knew from prior conversations that I go to sleep pretty early so this made conversing with her extremely difficult. I knew she wasn't into me, but I didn't want to admit it. I kept justifying it in my head that she's just shy or she just doesn't know me that well yet.

Finally, near the end of that year I went to another event where I saw her. I wanted to tell her about myself and my life (all this time I've kept my thoughts and feelings to myself). I recently discovered the world of accessibility and making software available and easy for people with disabilities to use. This meant a lot to me because my brother was struggling with extreme tendonitis in his arms and couldn't use the internet properly. I was in the middle of telling her about this new-found passion of mine when I noticed her friends huddled in the corner looking at me and laughing. I just stopped and thought "She doesn't give a shit. She's not listening to me because she actually wants to get to know me. I don't want to finish this story. I don't want to do this anymore. I give up."

I left right then and there and never talked to her again. Not in person, not online, I unfollowed her because my heart couldn't take it anymore. 

That was a year ago. I don't know why but I still haven't recovered from it. I've been rejected many times before this (much more brutally and humiliating) and been rejected again after, but this is different. This really hurts. I don't know why, when it comes down to it I barely knew her and she barely knew me. But this, this was the first time I met someone I could actually see a future with. She was the first person who can relate to a lot of the problems and struggles I felt for all these years, she was the first person I wanted to actually get to know. This one hurts, this one hurts a lot. 

Even after all this time I'm still really sad about it, not because I'm still in love with her or wish I could see her again (in fact looking at my old text messages with her, I don't think I ever was in love with her). All this time I could protect myself by thinking that this didn't work out because we are too different, but now, not even people like me want me. 

I feel like a defective human.