I'm losing us

Bitter sweet

Taylor's pov

This argument was really rough, just like the previous ones. I sit on the bathtub in the bathroom. I wonder why we fight so much. I am aware that couples fight but not as much as we do.

The first time we took a break, I thought that it would be just a one-time thing. I believed that one break would fix everything and we would be closer than ever.

All this time, whenever the break ended, we both are closer than ever, loving each other more than before. But that spark starts to fade away after a few months and the fights increase. It only leads us to another break. This is almost a periodic thing in our relationship now. However, there is always this constant fear in my mind of losing him which comes out in different ways.

I still wonder how Joe did not get fed up of me till now. I can be very hard to live with. In all my relationships I have threatened my boyfriends to leave me and all of them did. But Joe stayed.

I fight so much because I believe that I deserve to be loved unconditionally. My mother has made me aware of my worth multiple times. I deserved to be loved the way I love others. Everybody does. And I stand for what I believe, always. If someone cannot return my love, they do not deserve me.

I get it that Joe's father suddenly left this world and I hope he rests in peace. But it has been almost a month. I want to be there for him. I want him to acknowledge me even when he's hurt. I know what a broken heart feels like and I want him to just talk to me.

I think this break will be a good choice for us. It is just a week anyway. It isn't something we have never done before.

I stand up from the bathtub and walk toward the mirror. With the water I wash my face and brush my teeth. I fix my hair and go out of the bathroom.

I see Joe lying on the bed with his legs hanging down. His eyes are closed and it looks like he fell asleep. I walk toward the closet and open it to grab my night gown.

"You're here" I hear him say. His voice is a little deep and he sounds exhausted.

I look around and reply, "Oh yes. Don't worry. I will sleep in the guest room"

"No I will go this time"

I close the closet back and take my mobile. "No, I said I will sleep there" I walk past him and exit the bedroom. Our bedroom. While taking the five steps toward the guest room, I can't help but cry.

Why does it pain so much while fighting with someone you love? Aren't you fighting with them because they hurt you? Why does the idea of you hurting them pain you more than you getting hurt by them? Why are there fights if you love them?

I change my clothes and sit on the bed. My mind goes straight to our first actual fight. I still remember it was about how I thought he was just leading me on.

"No, Joe. If you are just doing this for fun, then please leave"

"Aren't you doing this for fun too? Remember you made that stupid rule about, 'NO FEELINGS INVOLVED'?"

"I know I did. But..."

"But what?"

"Nevermind. It doesn't matter anyway. You clearly don't feel a thing for me and you never will" I turned around and went to his room. I started to pack my stuff in my purse and he stopped me.

"What?" I shouted at him.

"What is it? What do you want me to feel?"

"I love you, okay? Ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?" I sniffled hard and with my mobile, I ran out of the house out of embarrassment.