Name of Love

Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - In the Name of Love

I thought I hated Valentine's Day, but I stand corrected. I hate October 3rd. Why? Simple. National Boyfriend Day. Everyone's social media stories were filled with pictures of their male lovers. I was no stranger to love but love made me realize that it just made you vulnerable for others to take advantage and hurt you. It made me heartless. And I don't care , and never will.

I had a lover. She was my everything. And I ruined it. Maybe we both equally hurt each other. She hurt me and I hurt her. Except for the fact that I still think about it everyday and a month later she had another lover. And I couldn't move on, not one bit.

Doesn't mean I haven't tried to move on. There was one girl that made me think that I did. Then I ruined that as well.

Life for me has never been the best. Let me give you the backstory.

Growing up for me was never easy. I had a teen mom and a horrible father. He's the core of all my issues. My bipolar depression, drug addiction, commitment issues and abandonment issues. He caused this to me. But I can thank him. Because of his shitty parenting, I am who I am today. But also because of him, I am especially when I am shitty person myself. 

My father used to beat on me on my visitation weekends. I would bleed like I've be slashed on the face with a blade. My father was ruthless. Never cared about me unless there was money then I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 

As I sit in my English class, listening to my teacher go on and on about some book, my mind was dazed upon her. She wasn't with me physically, but the way my mind thought about her she could be right in front of me. 

I remember how her lips fit onto mine. How one hand set of fingers would glide across my face as our lips dance with one another. Then the other other hand would be tangled in my curls. Pulling and tugging. The best apart of it all is when we pull away for a breath , I can feel her breath on my lips. With our lips centimeters apart, the three words "I love you" we're spoken. 

Now to know she does the same with another lover. It angered me. The way his hands would touch what's mine. It took everything in me, not to pull them apart and push against the lockers and show her how real passionate men kiss their wives/lover. 

But there was nothing I could do but watch in pain. Watch my heart break into million pieces each time. Her calling him baby, love. Her waking up to his messages or sending good morning messages. Wishing it was me. 

When I wake up at 3:30 am, I just in bed. In a daze. Unsure if I can continue with another day filled with pain. Each day I've tried to pick up my million pieces of my heart but it's hard when each day it breaks even more into million parts. Which makes it this tiring cycle of emotional and mental pain. 

All I ask from god in the morning is for her to be with me once more.