Pain-stained Journals | Anthology

15 | Fettered raven

In my life, I have seen a lot of ravens. None of them caught my attention that much like the raven I saw yesterday. He was a beautiful bird. Not like they describe him in animals book, he was special. I felt something about it him that made me shiver. I knew he had potential and a bigger brain than the other ravens.

That day I was sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the park. I was feeling depressed. After a while of intense crying, I hope no one noticed, I saw a raven. He beamed with light black feathers, which caught my attention. It was his grace when stomping the ground that made me sure he was a special breed.

He was walking around and round around my chair looking at me patiently. I thought it was stupid of him, and then I recalled how small a brain he has. The bird stopped walking after a while and just stood in front of me. He turned his head round and round.

That's when I noticed that the entire time I was silently observing him, I stopped crying. My tears magically fell down my cheek and never came back. Realizing this I stood up from the chair and dropped my knees to the ground where the shining Raven was standing.

"Thank you," I mouthed, so no one wouldn't notice.

The bird received my thanks and flew away soon after.

After he left, I felt all my unpleasant emotions pass away with the wind, just like the raven did. It was a magical moment. Not many of them are in my life.

It was getting dark so I gathered my belongings and went home. When I entered the doors of my most hated place in the world, I felt a shred of tear beginning to appear on the corners of my eye. I couldn't bear it any longer, I was eighteen and I needed to move out as soon as possible.

It wasn't the hatred towards my parents or the particular object in my home. It was the fact that somebody died in this home. Somebody that I loved. My father died in the four walls of the living room. I still remember the last look on his face and those blank eyes. This devastating flashback made me shiver uncomfortably.

I felt like a fettered raven in this home. I was strangled by memories while being in my room. All the memories of my dad kept on floating inside my head before I fell asleep. That one time he gave me a pink rose, that one time he taught me how to play the piano when he walked me to school when I was younger. All those beautiful worth remembering moments made me cry each night. It wasn't a long time since he died. It was a fresh wound.

-

I saw that shining raven from time to time. He was now flying outside my home, scratching my window. I wondered how did he know? I never saw him while I walked home. One time he came to the window and was barely able to fly. His wing's movements were not enough to keep him stable in the air. He was strangled by something. I quickly opened the window to let him inside. I carefully touched his wings and he squeaked out loudly. It must have hurt him. This piece of metal was plastered on his wings and I didn't know how to remove it without giving him pain. I smelled a stink of blood from him. It made me tremble with sadness.

Once I removed the clenching thing on his wings, I lightly touched his feathers. They were so soft. He was special, I felt the mutual connection between me and this raven. Soon enough after I disentangled him, he flew away just like he did in the park. I couldn't be more unsurprised.

That night I felt intense relief spreading into my mind and heart. I smiled to myself and let out a tear of joy. Maybe I was free? Free of the hatred towards this house and those painful memories. When I try to do my mechanism before bed I couldn't recall any of it. As if there was nothing worth overthinking.

The raven saved me once again. After that visit, I felt free, just like him. I disentangled him and doing so, he did the same to me surprisingly. Careful enough not to sink in that joy I just received I wasn't all happy and giggly about it. I kept the existence of that magical raven to myself. He was my little fairy, even without realizing it. If only he could make that one wish...

Bringing my father alive was what I dream of every night. Maybe there was a chance I am living in an illusion and he is still alive. However, that's doubtful. When choosing my dreams, all the ways that I chose one from, lead to a dreadful nightmare. The bad dream I doubt will ever end - my depression.

The only one I talk to is raven. He is a bird and can't even reply to me back but I call him my "Hero". My hero didn't come to my window today. I was ready to close my window since it was getting very cold. When I was about to close it, I noticed something scratching on its surface. It was my hero again. What now will be cured in a troubled soul?

He was holding a piece of paper in his beak. I removed the paper from it and held it carefully. There was a written word "Dad" on the surface. I cried out, it was my handwriting. But what could it mean? How did he get it? I suddenly remember where I left the envelope with this paper inside it. I left it on his grave. With that realization, I started crying intensively. The raven watched me from afar while standing on my desk. He turned his head round and round, silently observing.

That's when I knew. It was him. That was his message to me. My dad is my hero. I called him that when he was alive. I burst out tears of joy and suddenly I feel no sadness anymore. My dad is here! He was with me all this time, helping me with grief and my state.

I look at the raven once again and another memory comes to my mind.

—

"Dad! Let's go watch ravens. Please!" the kid version of me pleaded to my father loudly.

My dad giggled but soon accepted the proposition.

I loved watching ravens when I was young. Especially after so many stories, dad told me about.

We went to the park and sat on the chairs in front of a small lake. The weather was beautiful today, the sun was beaming against the horizon.

My dad brought a small bag of bread pieces with him. We loved giving them those. They deserved did after flying day tremendous amounts of heights.

We fed them a bit. After that, I waited for my dad to tell me yet another story about the ravens. This one's called the "Free raven". I listened to it breathlessly.

Another great story.

-

My dad inspired me with those stories and I started to write my own at a very young age. I wrote about all sorts of animals. Whatever came to my mind. Feel free to write whatever I want. I stopped writing when my father died. I couldn't bear it any longer, writing was what made me happy and all I wanted to do at that time is to empty my heart of emotions and fall into a black hole of misery.

I can't believe it, a bird version of my dad is sitting at my desk. Many may think I am crazy but there are no coincidences in this world. Everything happens for a reason, and so did this.

I returned to writing after that night. I tried to put my fresh mind into it. The sentences came freely to my brain and I let them out on the paper. It all brought a fascinating piece. I called it "Flattered raven". I had never written anything about ravens since all I heard in the past were my dad's stories about them. This one-story he never managed to create. But I did.

Writing is what frees me and my dad encouraged me to write whenever I can. I gained inspiration out of everything I saw in my everyday life. This story will be different from any other. That one will be purely from my heart and filled with feelings I hid for too long.

—

Ravens come and go, just like people do. It's important to know when to let go. Letting go is important for every person experiencing grief. When you are experiencing a loss, all the things, that were involved with the person that passed away, are bringing you pain. This pain is manageable and each person who feels it will eventually let go.

Pain will fly away just like the birds do. Relief will sink in and the heart will be ready for rebirth.