Pain-stained Journals | Anthology

20 | Amoux & Accalia

Amoux

Amoux the wolf was hidden beneath the trees watching the northern lights. He closed his eyes embracing the nature around him without a care in the world. Dreamingly skimming through his most hidden thoughts he dived quickly to what he has been through. This was always a tough cookie to crack. His mood changed depending on what he was thinking. He believed in destiny more than anything in the world. He hoped it would come to him too. Opening his eyes again, he looked around at his brothers and sisters from his pack. They did not know. They did not know what he has been through. His experiences from the past taught him one thing. He mustn't show that he is vulnerable. Feelings are what he aimed to hide forever, without a doubt. Deeply what he cared for was intimacy with someone. He craved closure but wouldn't show it. What others would feel about him if they knew the way he felt? He couldn't even imagine the regret of what was to come if he showed his truest self.

His present state was - starving. Other animals were starving because of lack of food, whereas he starved for lack of love. He found his "supposed" mates before but they were never enough. They were fake and harmful to his well-being. After each experience, he was diving his heart deeper inside of his chest without much of a thought. So deep he could feel it no more. Failure is what he felt deep down. After all these years of being blank, feelings seemed too odd to appear.

It is how he felt. He was different. All those years he stared blindly onto what was supposed to be 'life'. He knew too much of what life can bring. What else did it bring him apart from pain? Starting from childhood, more like a troublehood, he seemed distant from everything. This was his only way to cope with what was happening around him. Clash after clash, he just gave up. Easing and relieving his pain was what he craved for, but it never came. Just when he thought he grasped the life he wanted, that's when it all fell apart, again and again.

Mistakes he did in the past told him a lesson. Before he was careless and carried himself with heartless people that only wanted trouble. This was his way of life. One second at the time he was losing a bit of himself. Part by part until he lost himself completely. He felt numb now because of the way he lived before. Nearly losing his touch on things that matter, he saw no hope, no saving. He believed in nothing and nothing believed in him. This was what he told himself every day because it gave him away to be. If he won't do a thing for others, no one will do it for him. Just like that he lived.

He never knew what love is. At one time he stopped believing in it and gathered around his wolves that felt similar. The undying need of experiencing love is what driven him before. Now he is just like a dying rose in a glass. Rose that dies and never recovers is his symbol.

Finding a mate is what drives each wolf and so it does to him.

Accalia

Accalia stared at the fireplace she spotted in the forest. Her undying curiosity overwhelmed her each time. Breaking her boundaries she left her pack a couple of months ago. She thought it will be better for her. Wolves taught her one thing - you are either in or out, you will be left out if you are not similar. All her life she was alone. Just like the heat coming from the fireplace, she wanted heat, heat in love. Her curiosity as to how it looked, how it felt, how it was, was driving her. Curious about the love she tried to feel it countless times. Rejected whenever in an attempt to mate. Her undying spirit and want to find love was infinite. The spark of interest that appeared every time she met someone new is what she was known for. People laughed at her because she was a naive wolf. "So unexperienced", "So blind and stupid" were the words people aimed at her when seeing her failed attempts of finding love.

Craving for a touch, a touch that matters. The touch she never felt on her skin beneath her fur. She always felt a deep void when looking at other wolves finding love. Accalia envied them. Her eyes went watery again because she countlessly has done the same mistake of desperate love seeking. Everyone around her told her to stop. She has done quite the opposite. Instead of stopping she searched more and more for it. Careless to a fault she searched. What true love felt like? The question was left unanswered.