What if...?

5

"So what happened after?" Tanong ni Allie.

Umiling ako. "Wala. We never happen. We remain friends but not that close anymore. Yung pasahan ng papel? Dumalang 'yon hanggang sa umabot ng graduation hindi na kami talaga nag-uusap gaya nung bago 'yon. Lagi ko nun iniisip na what if bawiin ko. What if aminin ko na lang na parehas naman kami ng feelings but then I didn't. I guess hold on to my fear more because at the time, it's all I know." Paliwanag ko.

Kumuha ako ng isang potato chip at kinain iyon. They did the same as we all heave a sigh. Hindi ko rin alam paano ko nagsimula na kinukwento ko na yung nangyari sa amin ni Luis. I'm just now realizing that I'm at the end of the our story that never really started in the first place. Thinking about it, probably tama nga na it's not the story that lasted would make such a huge and painful impact, but the almost stories.

"Lumipat ka na after graduation 'di ba? Hindi ka nagpaalam sa kaniya?" Si Elaine na 'yon.

Maliit na gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi ko at tsaka bumuntong hininga ulit. "There was the urge na kausapin siya non nung graduation to at least say good bye and all. I know it would be the last time and I really wanted to have a proper closure. Kung iyon man tawag doon so during that day, I would look at his way and he was already looking at me. A lot of words were playing in my head but they were all buried into those stares at each other." Mahabang salaysay ko na naman sa kanila.

"Taena mo." Mura sa akin ni Migoy. "Sayang. Kingina. Lalaki ako pero ramdam ko yung sakit non."

Natawa lang ako nang mahina. "Pabillboard mo." Biro ko.

Nagtawanan na lang din kami sa sagot ko na iyon. After all, what's done is done. Hindi ko na mababalikan iyon. Hindi na mauulit. I know he's somehow updated to my life dahil nakikita ko siya sa viewer ng story ko from time to time but that's just it. I mean, my what if would remain just an if.

Maya-maya ay nagligpit na kami. Nagdesisyon kami na bukas na lang ituloy ang pagrevise sa thesis kapag lahat ay wala ng amats sa ulo. Pinapatulog na rin kasi kami ng nanay ni Allie dahil nandito kami sa kanila. Sleepover sana for thesis revision na nauwi sa inuman. Hindi naman galit at natuwa pa nga dahil nitong mgaa nakaraan dito rin kami nagprepare for thesis at kita ni tita ang stress namin.

Si Migoy ay sa kama natulog dahil pang-isahan lang 'yon. Kingina. Nag-iisang lalaki sa grupo pero feeling prinsesa ang gago. Kami nila Allie ay sa lapaag dahil mas malawak ang space roon. Nakalatag na yung hihigaan at talagang matutulog na lang so humiga na kami.

Lahat sila ay mabilis na nakatulog pwera sa akin. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit dahil usually naman kapag nakakainom ako at nahiga, dinadapuan na ako ng antok. Ngayon, wala ang antok na hinahanap ko. Naisipan ko na lang na kunin ang cellphone ko at buksan ang facebook ko para sana antukin.

Few minutes of scrolling and I noticed a familiar name on my feed. Luis Ocampo. It was a graduation post. A lengthy one dahil may see more sa baba. Nauna na siyang grumaduate dahil nagstop ako for one semester due to family problem.

It started with him not expecting how he managed all the struggles he faced during college. Nakarelate ako kasi ako rin. Ilang beses kong sinabing ayaw ko na but here I am, patapos na rin. Then the next paragraphs were followed by thank yous to his family, professors, friends... and his girlfriend. My smile faded away.

To my best partner in crime, my love, my girl, thank you for being there with me all throughout my journey. Thank you for staying and for reassuring me every time I want to give up. You didn't just give me words of affirmation but all the love language. Thank you, Bea, for being the one for me. This is no joke, I love you so much and beyond.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sakit nung dating non sa akin. All this time, I thought I moved on. Ngayon ko na lang siya ulit naiisip but reading that certain part of his post hit something in my heart I couldn't decipher. Once and again, the regrets came back.

Nag exit na ako sa facebook at pinatay ang cellphone. I held it close to my heart as I stare at the ceiling. Walang ibang nasa isip ko kundi sorry. The last sentence took a big toll on me. Maybe I scarred him from what I said back then. Or maybe, that is just an inside joke between them but I still say sorry to him wishing the wind would take it to him.

Mahinang bumuntong hininga ako. Words are really powerful. Kung alam ko lang noon na it would led me to my biggest what if, sana sinabi ko na lang na mahal ko rin siya. Sana hindi ko pinanghawakan yung takot. Sana nangyari kami... Siguro ganoon talaga. May mga bagay na kahit anong gusto mo, kapag binigay na sa'yo yun at nandoon ka na sa sitwasyon na kailangan mong magdesisyon, hindi mo pa rin masasabi ang mga tamang salita. And that's the art of words. It can assure someone but it can also scarred.