When You're Ready

chapter 1

2015

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2016

He was at my graduation. He saw me walk across the stage.

He also finished school and started a tour shortly after.

He would usually take breaks in June for my birthday.

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2017

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2018

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He was at my 21st birthday party.

That was back in June of 2019.

I had the time of my life and I don't remember how it ended. I woke up in my room, not knowing how I ended up there. Then I saw Shawn had fallen asleep next to me.

I had no recollection of the night prior and my head was killing me.

All I remember from that night was I started to mentally check out around 3 am. I distinctly remember checking the time around 2:25am and thinking it was still early, so I kept drinking.

I somehow broke my last record of 8 and had 11 shots that night.

I also, was told I drunkenly confessed I was in love with him when we got to my house.

I somehow waited until the two of us were alone.

Even when I was drunk and belligerent, I still would know to tell him that in secret. I can't comprehend how ballsy I get when I'm blacked out. I don't know her.

I cursed myself for having so many, but I went on about my day like any normal person after their 21st birthday party.

Hugging the toilet.

I knew I didn't like to drink by that age, but c'mon. You have to. Maybe not as many as I did, but you only turn 21 once.

I didn't have any memory of this supposed confession. If I had, I would not have let him help me recover. I don't feel cute when I'm throwing up.

Nonetheless, he was holding my hair back the whole time. Everything felt normal until he said we needed to talk.

The way my heart immediately fell into my ass when he told me. I almost threw up again. I finally ate something and kept it down until he sat me down and told me what I had said. I got nauseous all over again.

Before I could deny deny deny, he stopped me before I could make a sound. And good he did. I was about to gaslight to get me out of this drunken mess.

To my surprise, he said he had been feeling that too.