When You're Ready

chapter 4

"The year was 2019."

Talking about this 10 years ago would have killed me, but my therapist got most of the trash out of my emotions as the years went on. Some are bound to come back when I talk about this but not as intensely. 

"His deluxe album just came out, but I hadn't listened to any of it yet. Not even the original that came out a year prior. And when I saw him, he didn't talk about his music, his fans or his career. It's not something we really talked about at all."

"How come?" Thomas interjected before I continued.

"He kept it very separate. His work life and his personal one. Which I didn't understand at the time, but I do now. Having them merge or bleed into each other always makes a mess. So, I always left it alone and I never brought it up. To this day I haven't been able to listen to most of his music. Besides the ones that come on the radio. It'll start and I'd change it. Just listening to his voice triggered the fuck out of me." I was staring at Mango sleeping on his bed. He was cuddled up to Butter especially on the bed next to the television. Looking at him did calm me down a lot. He's basically my emotional support dog. 

"Even back then you couldn't listen to his music?" Kat interjected. I grabbed my beer and took a swig. I had to clear my throat afterwards. I have to finish this before it gets to room temperature soon. Warm beer is fucking awful.

"We were already starting to distance ourselves from each other by then. I didn't want to make him feel bad because of his schedule. I understood it then and I still do now. His career could not have been put on hold for some stupid ass crush, you know? So, I kind of let him distance himself and I thought I was helping. I didn't want to add more to his plate, so I stayed behind." I shrugged. I was twiddling my thumbs at this point. My beer nudged between my legs, but I was almost done with it. 

"I was there if he ever needed me, but during that time we hardly spoke. He was touring, he was going to the studio, he had his hands full. And so did I. I was in college here and that's around the time I switched my major and it felt like my whole life had turned upside down, so I didn't even bother filling him in. He had his own life, and I had mine. Did I try and keep the friendship going, yes. Did he, no. And I couldn't blame him for it. I was basically pushing him to focus on his career but what else was I supposed to do? Hold him back?" I shook my head and drank again. I'll have to get a new one now. I kept the bottle in my hand and played with the bottom ridges of it to distract myself from looking anyone in the eye.

I still can't seem to look anyone in the eye when I'm expressing all of my emotions. I'm still working on it. 

This is progress. Sure, it's slow. But progress, nonetheless.

"The day after my 21st birthday was the last time I saw or talked to him. It's like he knew it was the last time I was going to see him, and he didn't say anything. He didn't give me a warning, or a heads up. It's like he had completely fallen off the face of the earth and I followed suit. I completely shut everything that had to deal with him out. Or tried to. I was still talking to his parents and his sister. That's as close to Shawn I've gotten ever since." There was a silence for a second when I remembered my beer was empty. I moved the blanket from my lap and got up to get another.

I grabbed a Modelo this time and picked up the bottle opener.

As I was about to open it, I saw the Centenario out of the corner of my eye. I know this is a bad idea but hey, talking about the past is not fun. For anyone. But either way I wanted the heaviness to get out of the room, so I asked:

"We all have work tomorrow, I know, but who wants a shot? Talking about this fucking sucks." I heard a couple chuckles, and everyone got up and joined me in the kitchen. Everyone getting up prompted the dogs to perk up but laid down again when they saw we weren't going anywhere but to the kitchen. Mango still got up either way. He was greeted with a couple pats from the group.