𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 -ᴊ.ɢ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ-

𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄

𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈 𝐖𝐎𝐊𝐄 𝐔𝐏...I did my usual routine, and sat down to have a nice morning meal. It wasn't hard to notice the rhythmic noises from my phone. I thought it'd stop, but after a period of time it continued causing me to get a bit vexatious. I had just assumed it was my followers, and that sparked some joy into my morning so I continued to eat, although, it didn't stop. I had picked up my phone, curiosity stirred up within me.

I was completely unaware for what was about to come. I opened Instagram, and the post I saw left me in tears. It crushed my soul like a thousand bottles breaking. I felt cursed, as I looked at every pixel and it absorbed me within it. Thinking this couldn't be true, and why it had to happen today of all days. I was looking at it for way longer then I probably should have. I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember all the tears I had shed for someone I thought I could trust.

Looking at that post, I knew humanity was twisted. I knew people were twisted. The negativity spread like wildfire, burning my soul, and taking my hope and dreams with it. That day was the worst out of them all, it just made me fall down deeper in despair and left me crying, and pleading for someone to help me. It felt like I was looking for false hope within these days, and I didn't see a point to it all.

That morning, as the clouds hung heavy in the sky and the fog wrapped around everything, it felt like a reflection of the turmoil within me. Throughout the day, my friends reached out, their texts and calls filled with concern. They even went as far as trying to open my door, but I remained silent, hidden away. It wasn't because I wanted to worry them or shut them out. It was simply because I knew deep down that they wouldn't truly understand the depth of what I was going through.

As the weight of my past came crashing down upon me, I found myself drowning in a sea of humiliation. Each revelation, like a dagger to my soul, amplified the darkness that had consumed me. Though the actions were borne out of youthful naivety, the relentless tide of negativity grew stronger with each passing second. The burden of silence weighed heavily upon my heart, making it seem futile to confide in my friend. Overwhelmed and stripped of power, In the depths of my despair, I yearned for understanding, for someone to see beyond the surface and embrace the flawed soul within. But as the world turned its back, I was left to confront the demons within myself, to navigate the treacherous terrain of trying to escape my mind.

It's just how things are.

In efforts to help me, I had saw Johnnie had commented on the post. Me, Johnnie, and Evan were so close, I don't understand why he'd do such a thing. As I sat in the loud silence, I felt my heart weaken as I replayed the dreadful caption of the post in my mind. "I knew you were a slut." A picture of my 16 year old self, naive and dumb, posed in a lingerie outfit. I had done anything for money back then, I was desperate to leave my house. Nobody could ever understand the depths I had to go through to have freedom and peace.

In cold blooded rage I had made my way to my bedroom and I confined to my wall instead —how annoyed my wall must've been— having to hear every issue, every curse, every problem. I had cried to absolutely no one but the wall, hoping for a miracle, but no miracle had come those hours I cried and begged for the universe to help me. I needed someone to pick me up, but I knew within myself that I'd never disclose my issues onto someone.

It was the way I was practically raised. Vulnerability was an issue, if you showed any sort of whimper, anger, fear, and even happiness. You were punished. Being an only child at the time I had no one to preach for me, so I was punished alone, and I had constant fights with my parents for displaying emotions. I had learned within the years of my growth that I needed to hide, that I needed to be "easier to handle," To be loved.

I was afraid. Even though I was an adult —that I should take hits and get back up effortlessly— that wasn't the case for me. I wasn't taught how to regulate this raging and sadden soul within me. I was left to beat myself up for experiencing emotions, experiencing fear of situations I couldn't get a hold of. I heard a knock at the door, and my heart begged for me to open it.

I was so tired, and desperate to get out of my mind, that I opened that door. It was Johnnie, and he looked very concerned. I only got a glimpse of his face, but my eyes were glued to the floor, because every inch of my body held a feeling of guilt. It felt like his eyes were burning holes through my soul before he embraced me in a warm and gentle hug. "I'm so sorry." He whispered out sadly and I felt droplets of his tears on my shoulder.

His emotions resurfaced mine and I cried into his shoulder and my arms clung around him in such desperation that it frightened my mind. It screamed 'how much longer until he breaks your trust.' I had brushed the thought away as I continued to hug him. But that thought was still burned inside of my mind. What if he does break my trust? What if he does expose my past? What if he only cares because he wants to get information out of me?

"I love you." My thoughts brushed away into the air as I heard those words. My eyes widen, tears blurring my vision as my face scrunched up in sadness at his words. At that moment I completely broke down in his arms, no efforts were made to pull me away, and he held me more tighter as I cried. His words were packed with such sincerity, and compassion that it opened gateways into my heart that I held closed for years.

He knew I loved him to, but not in a way he thinks. I was in love with him. My heart soared at his words, but I knew he could never reciprocate such feelings towards me. He only came here in concern of a friend. I knew a relationship could never happen between us, so I did the next best thing, I continued to hug him. Savouring every second of this moment because I knew I wouldn't be here in the next seven days to potentially witness a relationship bloom between us.

I was too unlovable to be loved.