I am writing to you but you are just next to me. I don't know if I would personally give you this to read. Might not even know what I am writing at all..
I don't know a lot of things but I know I am sad. Sad that you are hurt.. Mostly because it is something that would not even hurt you if you could see my heart, where I place you.. and if you can one day understand, that I do not need a break from you. That when I need a break, all I need is you.
RIGHT NOW, IN MY LIFE, I AM HAVING THIS BIG LONG BREAK.. Because, I get to spend time with you, laugh with you, play games with you.. Feels like a dream come true... Like cartoon is to a child, never really gets boring. Only in-betweens are necessary human breaks like eating, sleeping and peeing. Every other time, every other second, is truly boring without you. And more and more, I wish I could include you in all that I do. I already do with even letting you know how my finances and dreams are building— maybe this is not something worth mentioning or something that I mention too often but its the most sacred thing to me after you.. And if I share it with you, there is nothing I cannot share with you.. I already share my soul and my body and you know the entirety of me.
But back to this moment, I am sad. My heart is aching. I am unable to sleep. I am unable to be whole. My thoughts and mind keep asking a lot of things, saying a lot of things— I cannot place my heart or this source of pain on one thing or one question but if I could it would be "am I losing her?' , "am I going to lose her?" Or the statement "I am losing her, slowly.."
I guess you cannot blame my heart or mind for these thoughts and aching conclusions, you tell me confirmations of these yourself. But it's super heavy on me this morning because I keep rehearing your words in my head; "I curse these stupid feelings I have for you" , "Oh I regret, how I regret ever liking or falling for you", "You don't care about me" ..
When you hear such words, you can only come to the conclusion that you have hit a bad point. A bad point I hate so much but I somehow find myself always stuck in.
I know that I am truly scared of losing you because when I phantom that thought, I start to find things to do and nothing seems to make sense and nothing feels like progress and my life is all stuck. It makes me wonder if it's all perspective or if truly you are my new life. The fact I can hold any human in such regards alone bother me because maybe it also allows me right to the statement; "Oh I regret, how I regret ever liking or falling for you".. Because regardless, if this love ends, wether it was my fault to yours, I would lose myself. Majority of myself. The loving part of myself. The me, that is able, to love.
My life has a weird way of leading to certain endings through anyway whatsoever without my consent and sometimes it does a fast one on me and sets me up.. Puts me in situations where I cannot even explain myself or look believable but all I would know is I am fucked up. There is always an end goal or gratification my life has for these set ups but I am scared our relationship, which is the most precious thing to me, can be used for such set ups.
These are the things that make me wonder if my life is fated. If there is any lesson to gain from losing you, it is that I am not meant to love. No romantic love ever. Because if there is any thing that is the definition of romantic love to me, it is what we share. My life would be empty and what I would chase and all I would be is a vessel— a vessel for; career, productivity, success. But what would success be to me then?
I am sorry for the pain I have caused you. My only wish is that I was more mature, and able to lay down my feelings more. My only wish is breaking my shell and cold frozen heart open completely to just you. Maybe it's because a lot of what's in it is pain. But what does that matter? Just a bunch of chunked up made up words here right? Well that's how it always is whenever I do share and hence why I never share.
If you don't believe me who could except me?
My only regret would be loving you and not loving you right— and that my life would always play these games and beat me.
That I control nothing.
And that, I lost you.
