Breaking Point [Watty's 2015]

The Before

I stepped off the treadmill the next day, soaked in sweat. I could hardly breathe, but I wasn't giving up. No way, no how.

I walked on over to the bench press, and began lifting. My arms were killing me.

Well, this is what you get for being such a fatass. Now, work harder. I can hear the blubber shaking on you, my mind said.

After a few more reps, I grabbed my towel and my phone and headed into the bathroom. Surveying the room, I saw that I was alone. Good. Tentatively, I lifted up my shirt. I was half relieved that my stomach is receding tremendously, as are my legs and arms. My bones were beginning to stick out.

The other half of me was yelling, screaming. You call that weight loss? You suck. You look like a WHALE. You hear that, Aria? An effing whale. A monster. Something must be wrong with you.

I felt the tears well up listening to that voice. My bony shoulders began to shake with each breath.

You fat bitch. Nobody will ever like you with that muffin top of yours. Your boyfriend must be blind if he actually finds you pretty. There is nothing pretty about a 100 pound monster. 10 pounds in a week? You fat little shit.

I ran into a stall and locked the door. I bent down and tried to make myself stop crying. God forbid someone came in and heard me.

I looked at the toilet, and heard my demon voice. It'll make you skinny, Aria, it said. Do it.

"Shut up," I muttered in response. I won't, I won't-

Come on, Aria, my mind whispered evilly, don't you want to dance?

That was the final straw. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I want to dance, and the voice knew it too. If this was what it took, then that was fine with me.

I curled over and stuck my finger down my throat. I felt it coming up, and I just let it out. Again and again, until I felt nothing in my stomach, heard nothing in my head but the demon. Good, it said, good...

I flushed the toilet, wiped my mouth, and headed out of the restroom back to the treadmill.

Faster, blubber girl, it says. Those calories won't burn themselves.

I sped up out the door.