Already Home {H.S}

5

LAYTON

I never know what to do on this day. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to act. I just don't know.

Am I supposed to feel sad?

Today is my mom's birthday. 28th of June.

She would've been 42 today.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 25 years old. She did everything she could to treat it, but nothing worked, and she passed a few months later.

When she began getting sick, I didn't know how serious it was. I was only 4 years old. My four year old brain thought, "My mom will be better in a few days, and we can play again." But that didn't happen.

I wish I could hug my four year old self and explain what was actually happening.

I wish I could tell her that she isn't going to get better.

She's not going to be able to play with you as much as you want.

She's not going to be around much longer.

But I can't do that.

And I never will.

I feel guilty about that. And I don't even know why. There is no possible way for me to go back in time to speak to my younger self as myself. And I feel guilty about it. Even though I really shouldn't.

Of course, I miss my mom, but I don't remember her all that well. I was four. I don't think four year olds remember that much stuff.

Well, maybe that's just me. My ADHD causes me to not remember some stuff, so that could be the reason I don't remember her that much or the little things about her.

It also could be some sort of trauma that I have. Trauma about my mom passing when I was so young that I chose to block that memory out.

I have pictures of her and my dad that I have placed around my apartment, so I do see her every day. I'm just not in person as I would like. But that's okay. I get to see her beautiful smile on my wall. That alone makes me happy.

I think I just feel bad for my dad.

My parents were high school sweethearts. They have been together since they were 15. They got married shortly after they graduated and had me a few years after that. And then, a few more years after that, she sadly passed.

He was devastated. Of course. Who wouldn't be devastated about their significant other passing. I know I would be, and I haven't even really been in that serious of a relationship before.

He was in and out of his grief so much that my aunts, uncles, and other extended family would be at our house from time to time. It was never just my dad and I for the first year and a half. But I think that helped.

My dad could take care of me, and I'm not bashing him for being a bad father. I appreciate the fact that he knew he needed help and got it. I'm appreciating him for noticing he needed help and had some family come and help him out with me. I love him for that. I love my family for being there and not letting my dad deal with it all on his own.