It burns within them

12.

Astrella

We have been standing here for what feels like hours but only minutes. He took my pills, pills I spent money on, pills I need just so I can have one sleep without feeling restless.

I was doing fine yesterday truly I was, he dropped me home after we spent some time at the ocean and I felt free, I finally felt like my burdens where slowly going down rather than up.

But then night hit. I had the same flashback again of that night. It was the first time in a week, and it hit me like a wave. It was unexpected one minute I was fine the next I couldn't breathe, I couldn't find my way to the shore.

I get broken out of my daze when I realised he asked me a question.

"What did you say?" I question whilst removing my hand from his and slowly rubbing my eyes.

He looks at me softly before he replies, "I have to go pick up Jake," he hesitates to ask the next part, "do- I do you want to come with me." he questions in a rushed tone.

I think it through, I know I need a distraction and if this is the only one then so be it.

I slowly nod my head, and he gently smiles at me.

As we begin walking I notice something in his hand I didn't notice before, he begins to put it away in his pocket.

His car keys.

"What's that?" I nod my head in his direction of his hand in curiosity.

"Well I was going to drive there to pick him up, but walking sounds like a better idea." he says whilst pulling his hood up.

I slowly nod, but think it through, is he walking because of me?

"Listen I don't want to be a burden, if you need to get him fast take the car- I- I will just go home," I start to ramble on but I'm cut off by his soft laugh.

"No I want to walk, the weather is nice," he says, "And I don't want you to go home, I want you to come too." with a shrug of his shoulders.

I look at him and give him a short nod.

We have been walking for around 10 minutes maybe even more, I don't know- I just feel stuck. I can feel Xavier looking at me, but to be honest when is he not, I always feel him looking at me- either in concern or curiosity, I don't know.

I mean my mind always goes back to that night and I question, was it my fault?, was there something I could have done differently?. My parents told me that night when I was rushed to the hospital and I found out the news that it wasn't my fault, but I mean they would have to say that right? They're my parents.

"You stare a lot you know." I say to Xavier blankly.

When he stares at me I feel like he is peeling back layers that I'm not ready for him to see, it's like I'm a window covered in so much frost and ice it's hard for anyone to see through, but the only way to do that is if you scrape it off to see beneath the ice. And that's me, only I'm the ice and Xavier is the one doing the scraping.

"I do not." he scoffs.

That's a lie, and we both know it. I roll my eyes at him which he notices as he proceeds to narrow his eyes at me.

We finally Arrive to pick up his brother from school, I see a boy standing outside the gates whilst everyone else I am assuming has gone home.

He has brown fluffy hair, strong hazel eyes, and very tall, he looks to be around 15.

We slowly walk up to him, but I stand behind Xavier knowing this is his younger brother who had to help me at 3am because I was out of my mind drunk.

Xavier ruffles his hair like he is five years old, making his already messy hair even messier.

"Fuck off man." Xavier brother says. Xavier smirks at him.

Jake notices me and gives me a warm smile, that makes me feel much more comfortable. I try to give one back but it feels more of a grimace.

"Hey Astrella, I'm Jake." he says before he scratches the back of his neck, "I know we didn't meet at the best times, but um I hope you're okay now and I- hi I guess?", he says more of a question whilst rambling.

I give him a small nod whilst stifling a smile, "Yeah sorry about the other day," I wince. He waves me off like it was nothing.

"Don't think I forgot dipshit, you have been sneaking out," Xavier says with a scowl.

"You can't get mad at me, that is so unfair bro you're a week too late," Jake retorts whilst sticking up the middle finger.

I turn my face the other way to hide a tiny smile.

We begin walking until Jake pauses and looks around with a frown.

"Where's the car?", he questions.

Now I feel really awkward, he can't even get a ride home because of my fear of cars. I'm a fucking idiot.

Xavier takes a glance at me and if he sees my uneasiness he doesn't comment on it.

"I wanted to walk, and so should you, we're always in the car." Xavier says with a shrug.

I let out a relieved breath I didn't even know I was holding. I don't want him to tell his younger brother who already seen me out of my mind, now know I have a fear of cars.

We have been walking around but I have been zoning in and out whilst they talk among themselves, they mostly argue, but I'm not paying attention or involving myself.

I still feel a bit out of it since earlier. Xavier said something that stuck with me.

it will become a habit okay, you will get an urge everyday to take them, or feel that anytime your in pain that this is the answer, it will hook you into wanting more and more, so believe me, you don't need them.

But isn't that what's happening already?, I scar myself nearly every-night because instead of pain it relieves me, I don't feel anything but better. I drink just to make the world silent just for a few minutes, no flashbacks. No pain. I just feel nothing.

So what would I have done if I took those pills? Would I have tried to-

I don't finish what I was thinking as a nudge of the shoulder snaps me out of it. Xavier is looking at me in concern, but why?

He nods his head down secretly, I follow his gaze and my hands are shaking, they are violently shaking. I don't know if it's the cold or what. But they are shaking like they always do.

When did that even happen?

I quickly stuff them in my pocket so he can't see them anymore, I slowly bring my gaze to his and he is still staring at me whilst Jake rambles to him about his day at school.

He stares at me a second longer with a firm look before he takes my shaking hands out of my hoodie pocket and intwines them with his before he puts them in his hoodie pockets, I'm shocked at this so I slowly bring my gaze to his and he looks down at me whilst he gives my hands two squeezes like he did at the ocean.

I know what he is saying without saying it.

You don't need them.