Backstage // Josh & Jake Kiszka

Part 11

It was over.

Everything felt surreal. The reality of the past seven months was like a fever dream, sometimes you couldn't believe that it had happened at all. The stages you'd stood upon. The crowds you'd sang to. The people you'd met. The places you'd seen. The love that you'd known.

When you tried to put it all into words, there didn't seem to be any that did it justice. Language failed you. Even the songs that were vying to be written from deep within you were waiting their turn.

It was over.

You'd put some distance between yourself and the things which had happened backstage. The two parallel lines had always run beside each other, the magnitude of the things that were happening out there for all to see. And the things which had occurred behind closed doors. But now the lines had diverged.

One of them was going in an easy to see direction. The road ahead was clear. Harry had secured a headlining tour for the following year across north America for The Daydreams. The new album was almost ready for a Christmas release. You were trending on social media. It wasn't accidental, you'd worked your fingers to the bone for it. You deserved it.

It was the other line, the one that seemed to drop off the edge of the world, that wasn't so easy to see. And even though you'd made promises to yourself to never let yourself become tangled up in such an intricate web ever again, it still hurt.

Because it was over. All of it was over. The tour. Josh. Jake. All of it.

"Hey, sis... can you put that box of silverware in the kitchen for me?"

You were standing on the porch of Stevie's new house. At your feet were several boxes, all of them crudely labelled with different rooms and different uses.

Nashville in winter was always a spectacle, even though you were cold you couldn't stop yourself from watching the rain hit the driveway. The sound of it on the porch roof drowned out every other thought, and you were grateful for it.

"I'm sorry, what?" You asked, returning from your moment of disassociation.

Stevie melted her arms around your shoulders and took a moment to take in the dreary weather with you.

"You're not with us anymore, are you?" She sighed, leaning her head against your shoulder.

It was hard to stay present when the past refused to let go. You were still stood in that hotel bathroom, waiting for Josh to finish talking so that you could get to the part where he told you he knew you'd had sex with Jake in that broken elevator.

"I don't think I'm anywhere right now." You agreed softly, winding a careful hand around her forearm. "I think Magda was right when she said the rules would never be able to protect me."

You'd never not lived with Stevie. After moving out of your childhood home together, you'd rented the apartment overlooking the farmers market. But you couldn't be sad about it. Stevie's journey on the tour had brought her precisely to where she belonged.

She felt altered, now. More at peace. You'd expected her to fly into a rage when you confessed your arrangement, citing it as the reason why you and Josh broke up. But she hadn't. She just felt sad for you, and you still weren't certain which was worse.

"Love is a strange thing." She said wistfully, "Makes us do strange things."

You pressed your mouth into her arm, trying to fight another onslaught of tears. You were so cried out the skin on your cheeks still felt sore from the first time. It had been a whole month, why did it still feel like yesterday each and every time you felt your eyes moisten?