Loser Gets Kissed on the Mouth

Introduction (shitty, stick with it)

"Holy shit" I said out loud to myself.

Even though it was impossible since he's the most famous man on the planet, I couldn't help but allow myself to believe, if only for a second, that the real Harry Styles just slid into my DMs. Opening the messages section, my heart sped up just a little when I saw the blue check mark next to his name. There's no fucking
way....

It was indeed Harry himself who messaged me. No, this does not mean he uses this as a way of communicating with fans directly. Unfortunately for you, neither Harry, nor Louis, nor I, will likely ever see your DMs.

The reason he chose to reach me on instagram was because it was directly responding to a video clip of me talking about him on a podcast. I thought I was telling a harmless little joke. I never thought he'd see it. If he ever did stumble upon it I figured he might chuckle, maybe be a little flattered, and move on with his busy and beautiful life. That's not what happened.

If you're not familiar with the 20 second long clip, I'll break it down for you. I was shooting the shit on the Dropouts Podcast several months ago when I was asked if there was anybody I wanted to call out for a boxing competition. "Absolutely" I said with confidence. "Harry Styles".

The interviewer agrees immediately, and then I say "loser gets kissed on the mouth" with a smirk. He agrees again saying something like "hell yeah, I'd love to be a loser." Just trying to keep the mediocre joke going, I say "oh no my guard is down" and the other interviewer jokes that it would be the fastest boxing round in history. I bend over on my side on the couch I was sitting on, and to get one more chuckle I say "I get knocked down ass first...oh no" while feigning distress, and thats the entirety of the clip that Harry responded to.

I re-watched the clip attached to his response before I let myself read it. I couldn't explain the anticipation and anxiety filling my tummy. After the clip disappeared, I read what he wrote: "Hello, Matt! I'm Harry. This made me laugh, you're actually really funny :). I'd like to talk to you about something on FaceTime or Zoom if you're up for it? If you respond, I'll have my people call your people. Hope to hear from you soon. -xH.".

Absolutely stunned, I re-read the message over and over. I read it at least a dozen times to make sure there is no way I could be misinterpreting what he is asking. Harry Styles wants to FaceTime with me? I'm so excited I'm shaking. I take some time to think of a response. Why am I acting like this? Why is my heart pounding?

The thing is, I've never even really been a fan of the guy. I definitely never actively disliked him, or thought much of him at all really, until COVID happened. Stuck inside like everyone else for months, I was....we'll say....intrigued. Yeah, thats a good word.

I was intrigued when I saw his Grammy performance of Watermelon Sugar. I definitely always knew he was an attractive man, but after seeing THAT, I maybe started to pay a little closer attention to him. I might have even clicked on a thirst reel once or twice, went through his insta out of boredom, and admittedly, a little curiosity.

That was really the extent of my fascination with the beautiful, androgynous, ray of absolute human sunshine that is Harry Styles. That was, up until now, though. And now that he's seen what I've said about him...and apparently thought I was funny enough to want to talk to me about "something"...It was an absolute no fucking brainer.

Logistically, I was thinking that whatever he has in mind would be an amazing career move for me, thinking about how absolutely ecstatic my agent would be with such an A list celeb potentially wanting to collaborate with little old me. Secretly, I was hoping that I could get some one on one time to hang out with the dude. No cameras, no interviews. Just a couple of the world's arguably most attractive men hanging out together.

Why was I feeling so much anxiety over my response? When I finally got to talk to Dave Chapelle, who has been one of my most important influences since I can remember, even when I got to talk to him I was chillin. I was like "hey what's up Dave" like I knew him personally for years.

That's how I've been with most of the celebrities I've met honestly. But right now looking at Harry's message, my tummy is a bundle of nerves and my heart is racing. I'm not even sure he wants to meet me in person. I've gotta get it together for fuck's sake. "He's just a dude, Matt" I tell myself out loud in my living room. "Just a normal dude like you" i say as i begin to type a response.

I was shocked when my phone almost slipped out of my hands as I began to type. Why are my hands sweating like this? Why do I fucking FEEL like this? Trying to shake it off, I force myself to concentrate. "Hi Harry, I'm Matt." I begin, teasing a little about his unnecessary introduction. "It's nice to hear from you. I would definitely be down to FaceTime or Zoom. I mean, you're Harry Styles, dude! Honestly has anyone ever turned down an invitation to talk to you? 😂"

Alright I might be kissing a little too much ass, but flattery will get you everywhere in this industry. Even with people who hear the same shit way too often. We all want to be adored on one level or another. "Have your people call my people, and we'll set something up. Thanks for reaching out, it really is cool to hear from you :) -xM."

I read the message over and over. I would have liked it to be more original and funnier, but I don't want to offend the guy. He seems really well-mannered, so I figure matching his tone was the safest and smartest play. I took a deep breath and hit send.

I'm not sure why, but i threw my phone across my room right after sending it. It landed safely on the couch as I hoped it would and I started jumping up and down like a little school girl in my own living room, not knowing of another way to shake this overwhelming excitement out of my body.