Fragility

Confessions of a Father

Dear Clara,

I am writing to you this letter that I've hidden within the pages of your present. And I hope you will understand.

I do not write this letter with joy nor with a happy heart. This letter I write is a confession. A confession of the evils that I've done and regretted immensely within my now frail and old body. My days and years have been squandered, and I await the fall of that heavy blade upon my soul.

You never knew your mother. I told you, she died giving birth to you. It was only a half-truth. It was twenty-three years ago when I first met your mother, back in the year 1902. She was beautiful and looked just like you. I, back in those days, still swam in dark depths I've become all too familiar with, that you've been slightly exposed to.

Your mother was an angel to me, pure and innocent and gentle. I was but a troubled soul, carrying the immense weight of my own cross to carry on. Regretting the knowledge of that accursed well I so blindly sought, not knowing what evil was to taint me once I sipped its foul waters and that I so savoured its bitter nectar.

I never was upfront and honest with you about my past or what I did in my youth. I was a monster back then. A fiend! A sycophant! A degenerate of the lowest order to, to, Him! I won't say his accursed name. Even now, as I write this letter with a trembling hand and heavy heart, I feel his foul azure irises looking upon my soul and hearing my innermost thoughts. Some things of one's past are best forgotten. For what I've done can never be forgiven.

I thought I had that second chance of living a normal life with your mother. I wanted to be a father. I wanted to marry her, and I did after three years of seeing her in secret. We became one and wed each other. It was the happiest day of my life. I then moved to Boston, bought an old house, and rebuilt it from the ground up. Feeling it would be our home, our new refuge from the madness of the outside world and the worlds hidden between our realities. There, I could grow old in my last years, with your mother nearest to me and you, in the very centre of our shared lives.

But it wasn't meant to be.

It was on a stormy evening, one winter night in 1907, on the night of your birth. It was upon the stroke of midnight. He returned to me. My past had caught up with me. And that Devil returned to reap his dues. He had your mother, and you were still in her womb. He gave me a choice, you or your mother, or all of us together. I was weak, and I feared my damnation. I feared the demons that would torment me to no end. Yet, if it were to be by His hands. I, I, I selfishly choose your mother. I betrayed her! I murdered her! I was made to remove her heart and offer it to Him! And you, I cut out of her womb, bringing you to our world, upon the time of 3:33 a.m., born on February 1st 1907. And with your birth, your fate was sealed in His hands!

The murder of your mother was covered up, and I mourned for her greatly. That her death was another nail hammered into my soul, pinning me to my burdensome cross that crushed every bit of me further.

I've always tried to be a good father to you, Clara, for you've been a good daughter. Now, looking back at it all, I hate myself for being distant from you in your younger years. All the toys and gifts I gave you couldn't replace the love of a father you should have received. And that is another part of me I hate about myself, knowing I could have been a better father. I denied such a part of me to you and made myself busy with trivial matters at the university and my bookstore. The love of a father should have never been squandered, and I am sorry for denying you that part of me. Yet many fears held me back from giving all of me to you.

In the years you've grown, I tried to live normally and struggled to free myself of Him. I continued my work in the light, yet no one could know the darkness I dwelled within, nor the evils of my past.

It was then a chance encounter with a fine gentleman who entered my bookshop on one spring day in 1912. He was part of an ancient order that serviced Nine Elders, and I interested them immensely. They knew of me, they knew of my sins and of my dark past, and so sought to give me an offer I couldn't refuse. I was cautious at first with him, but over the years, this fine fellow got to know me.

We became friends over the years and then close friends. He had to leave me for a time during the war in Europe. He went back to England, and I was left with my heavy shadows again, anxiously awaiting word of his return. As the war drew on, I kept communications with him, sending letters and small parcels to England. In 1917, I was visited by one of his American counterparts, and they had a mission in mind, to get to Him. I told them everything. I sang like a bird, poured out my heart and soul bare to them, and told them of His Ways, how He manipulated me to be the foulest I could ever be. Still, I never got a taste of the powers he truly had mastery over, for I was never his favourite, merely a toy to be played with!

This American left me around the beginning of June. I never heard or saw him again. And the shadows I was left with, I grew fearful of and felt the weight of them crushing my very soul and body. Do you remember that day? I suffered a stroke in the summer. My whole right side went numb, and I was on death's door. He inflicted that upon me! And His hatred of me was most immeasurable. And there I laid upon my bed, sickly, while you were in school, worried over me. And by happenchance, a kindly doctor named Bradley came to me and healed me, healthy and whole again. Yet, this act of kindness came with a price.

I agreed to Doctor Bradley's terms and accepted another burden that was to be placed upon my shoulders.

He was part of an organization known simply as K9. I won't go into detail about that particular encounter as it's so far-fetched and outlandish that it might make me sound like a crazy man, if I ever told or thought about it too much. Yet this arrangement I was brought into was necessary for many good reasons, and I am hopeful it will pay off in the end. And you can live your life in peace and freely.

I continued my acquaintance with Doctor Bradley, yet he left me for a time in 1919 to deal with the pandemic; I am still thankful you and I escaped that plague. It was on May 7th of 1921 my fond friend from England returned. Though he was scarred from the Great War, missing an eye, and well-worn from the last time I saw him physically. He was most pleased to see me once again. Yet He came back into my life, and I had to act like a friend to him for a time.

It was an odd triangle I entered into. Most days, it was taxing on my will and resolve, I could feel Him trying to come into my mind, but I resisted. My friend played along with Him in his games of wit. I hated it and wanted to leave it! Still I remained and continued to play along, though I aged rapidly more than I should have, and my dark hair became white over the years.

Two months ago, my friend from England returned to me and gave me that accursed book. But to test if it were real, I gave it to Mister Keller at first. And I regretted that choice ever since, that I didn't mean for him to become madden with its foul knowledge. He ended up killing Joshua, and he disabled Herman so badly. I will never forgive myself for this betrayal of them! I'm so sorry for Keller; he'll never be the same again; at best, he'll be in a mental institution for the rest of his life.

As I look at the clock, writing my last letter to you. Clara, I love you, I always have, and I am sorry I couldn't be a good father for you. After your birthday meal and cake, it will be the last you see or hear from me again. You're a grown woman now that your dear friend Emma is a good influence on you. But I fear what is to come this night. He is coming to gather the Book and you, and I cannot allow Him to take you! I will sacrifice anything and everything for Him and give Him that evil book! But I will not nor allow Him to lay a hand on you, Clara. Run Clara! Run and Flee from Boston! For Hell is coming for you!