The Sweetest Thing

Blame Game

Jeonghan came back to reality when he felt Joshua moved away from the hug. They looked at each other for a few seconds before both of them released each other from the hug. Joshua wiped the remaining tears from his face before standing up and asked this young guy who entered their room without prior notice.

"Who are you?"

'Hindi niya pala ako nakilala.'

"I'm Jeonghan Yoon. I'm the only Junior Staff here. I thought I heard you and needed help so I came in..."

"What's that you brought? I didn't order anything as far as I can remember."

'Ang taray naman pala ng anak niyo, Tita Beth! Relax, Jeonghan, kalma. Kung di lang to gwapo nasapak ko na 'to eh!'

"It's a birthday special treat from our cafe. It's spaghetti and carrot pancake souffle."

"How did you know that today's my birthday?" asked Joshua, eyeing Jeonghan suspiciously. Then it hit him that made his eyes grew wider.

"Wait..."

"Ikaw yung guy na nandito kanina. Ikaw yung kausap ng Mom ko bago siya..."

Joshua stopped as he couldn't form the words he wanted to tell without having the urge to cry.

"Ako nga. But don't worry, wala naman akong binabalak na masama. I just wanted to do something for you, you know. Kasi bilin ng mama mo..."

"It was you!"

Hindi na natapos ni Jeonghan ang sasabihin niya dahil nagsalita nang muli si Joshua. At laking gulat ng nauna dahil sa pahiwatig ng mukha ng nakababata. Kita sa mga mukha nito ang mga pinaghalong pait, sakit, at galit marahil dulot ng mga naganap nitong umaga sa silid na ito.

"It's all your fault!"

"My fault? Did I hear it right?"

"Yeah you heard it loud and clear. Kasalanan mo. If you hadn't come here in our room, I would've been the one to talk to my Mom. I would've been the one who convinced her to stop her plan on leaving me. I could've have just told her we'd just do well in hiding from my father. If you have just left her alone, I would've been the one..."

"So all those time I was talking to your mom, you're awake?"

"Yes, but I didn't... I couldn't stand up. But I could've probably stood up if you aren't nosy enough to enter our room. I could've been there to..."

"But you said it yourself, right? You weren't there, and you didn't stood up, right? You heard everything and yet you did nothing. If you did, you could have been the one who mended her wounds from the broken cup. Sure you may have convinced her not to leave you but you didn't even opened your eyes. You know I could leave the two of you if I saw you wake up from your slumber, yet you didn't. Call me stupid for meddling in your affairs but do not blame me for something you should've done - if you're just brave enough to stand. I just did what I had to do kasi I know how it feels to be left alone by a parent. I tried so hard to convince your mom to tell her how you would feel. I even told her that I'm not afraid of your father. But it was your mom who was so persistent to leave. To be honest, hindi na nga ako dapat babalik dito, eh. Dapat hinayaan na lang kita. But your mom made me promise to befriend you and keep you company while waiting for your dad. Hindi na sana ako nagpagod na gumawa ng birthday menu for you if it wasn't for your mom. Tapos you're blaming me? Talaga lang, Shua?"

"So what do you want me to do, then? Pasalamatan ka pa sa ginawa mo? Did I even ask you do to that?"

"Aba talagang..."

"What?!"

"You know what, walang patutunguhan tong pag-uusap na to kung ganyan ka short-sighted pag-iisip mo."

"Eh what do you want me to do nga? Nawalan na 'ko ng Mom. Kung di kita pasasalamatan sa nangyari kanina, what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know. Why don't you figure it out yourself. Or maybe I have a suggestion. For starters, maybe try to stop acting like a kid?"

"But I am a kid."

"Kahapon siguro. Pero today, no. You just turned thirteen today so act like a thirteen year old boy starting today whether you like it or not."

There were no other words left to say. Jeonghan was frustrated and angry after Joshua suddenly and blatantly blamed him for not having the chance to see his mother. But then again, he realized that very slighltly, part of it was his fault, too. It's just how the way Joshua stated it irked him. He suddenly got mad that he blurted out the words he didn't mean to say...especially the last few words he said to Joshua.

All of a sudden, he forgot that Joshua's hurting and it's a lot to take in. He forgot that he promised to take care of him for the meantime. He forgot that even though he's now a teenager, he isn't allowed to feel whiny and hurt with what's happening cause how can a boy who just turned a year older can take all this? He wanted to immediately say sorry but what's the use? He can't take back all that was said. He couldn't even bring back his mom. So he just stayed silent.

Joshua, on the otherhand, was silenced too. He wanted to argue. He doesn't want to back out from their argument. But what good would come out of it if he continues to fight back? Can their heated argument bring back her mom who he just saw speeding away inside a taxi? Could blaming Jeonghan be enough to stop his father's people to come and collect him soon? No matter which direction their conversation would lead to, it doesn't change the fact that things are bound to happen. And things have actually happened.

His mom's gone. Who knows where she have gone to. He is about to be collected by his father, although he is sure that his father would not come personally. He'll probably use a representative. He suddenly felt alone again.

But he couldn't admit these thoughts to himself. So he chose to blame Jeonghan instead. He has chosen to blame the only person who could understand his feelings right now. Being the same age as him, Joshua believes Jeonghan could relate to him somehow. And he was right, actually. He is not a kid anymore. He should start growing up, especially now that he doesn't have a clear view of his own future.

He wanted to say sorry - for blaming Jeonghan. He never really meant it. He knows it's not his fault. He was just in the middle of all this. Him blaming this person who just wanted to care is just a projection of what he truly feels. But he couldn't express his sorry. It's probably his pride that's stopping him.

The room is all silent. After all the little blame game, and the realizations after, all that's left is the deafening awkward silence. No one is moving either cause one tiny movement will be noticed by the other.

And as if both of their instincts got connected, both the two boys remembered the tray containing birthday treat.

At sabay pa nga silang napalingon at napatingin sa pagkaing masaya sanang pinagsasaluhan ngayon. Wala na ang init nito na maaaring pumawi sana ng mga mabibigat na emosyon na bumabalot sa silid na iyon. Hindi na rin magagampanan ng mga ito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit ito ginawa sa simula pa lang - ang pasayahin ang kakain nito.

Hinayang na hinayang si Jeonghan dahil pareho nila itong pinagpaguran ng mama niya. Pero alam niyang di niya rin masisisi si Joshua kung hindi niya makakain ito. Magpapaakyat na lang siguro siya ng ibang staff nila para hingin kay Joshua ang gustong kainin nito. Nagpasya na rin siyang ibigay na lang ang mga ito sa kanilang staff kaya't kinuha niya ang tray sa mesa at aakma na sana siyang lumabas ng silid dala ang birthday tray. Ngunit isang kamay ang pumigil sa kanya sa kanyang paglalakad palabas.

Kasunod ng pagpigil ni Joshua sa paglabas ni Jeonghan ay siya namang pagsambit niya ng mga salitang hindi inaasahan ng binata,

"Jeonghan, is that for me? Could you leave the tray and the food? I want to eat. And also...

...Jeonghan...

please stay with me?"