nothing lasts - b.e

|17|

TW - brief link to SH

The night is quiet and bare: a vacuum of sound. It must be chilly, but I don't notice it, either because I've been drinking or because my blood is boiling. I hold Billie's hand until we make it past Elodie's front walk. She stops cold and pulls her hand away.

We square off, facing each other, her eyes are daggers. Her chest is heaving, her eyes daggers.

"I'm sorry", I say quietly.

She glances away, "Like I said", her voice is eerily calm, "You're arrogant to think you understand my enemies better than I do".

I swallow, "You're right".

Asteria and Odessa catch up to us at the car. Odessa falls all over Billie, petting her hair and asking if she's okay.

"I'm fine", Billie says flatly, holding Odessa at arms length, "please stop smothering me".

"Elodie Chandra is a bitch", Asteria says. Her eyes take on that destructive look she gets on the soccer pitch, but she looks unexpectedly at Billie, "You'd better be sincere about being gay though. You can't fake liking girls for votes".

"Of course she's sincere!" Odessa snaps, "you don't know the process she's gone through—you can't imagine the internalized homophobia—"

"My best friend is gay too, Odessa", Asteria says loudly, "So you'll understand if I want to make sure she's not being led along by this whole thing".

Billie snorts derisively. She falls back against the car, shaking her head, "'Led along'. That's an interesting way to put it".

"What do you mean?" Odessa asks.

Billie and I lock eyes. I prepare for her to throw the whole arrangement away. This scheme has caused more trouble than its worth. For the both of us.

But as usual she surprises me.

"Nothing", she sniffs. "Let's just get out of here. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of acting".

Odessa nods sympathetically. Asteria sets her mouth, but she glances toward me, deferring.

"Okay", I say trying to anchor myself, "let's go. But someone else needs to drive".

"I can", Odessa says, "I didn't drink anything".

I nod, hand her my keys, and slink into the backseat. When Asteria slides in next to me, I meet her eyes sheepishly, "did you tell the girls we won't be back".

"Yeah", she says shortly. She was getting such good quality time with Enya, but gave it up to check on my fake girlfriend and me. Not for the first time, I feel unworthy of her friendship.

Billie tucks herself into the passenger seat in front of me. I watch her expression in the side mirror as we pull away from the curb. She looks utterly defeated. I know it's not directly because of me, but I still feel the weight of it.

It wasn't your fault, Mom said the day of the accident, but it's still your responsibility.

I speak before I can think twice about it.

"Maybe we should keep hanging out, just the four of us".

Asteria stares at me like I'm malfunctioning. Billie maintains her stony silence. But Odessa, bless her soul, gasps with delight.

"I love that idea! Like a girls' sleepover?" She gasps again, "we could have a self care night in my jacuzzi".

Asteria's interest piques, "wait hold on, you have a jacuzzi?"

"Yeah, with seven types of bubbles and colour changing lights".

Asteria bites her lip. She's always loved jacuzzis. I catch her eyes, and she sighs in resignation, "fuck it, I'm in".