If I could say goodbye to you

Chapter 2

After her death

DECEMBER 19, 01:30 P.M. It's about to rain again, and you know how dangerous it can be out there when it's wet. Make sure to come back home safely, OK?

It was another message from my sister-in-law, but I figured she already knew my whereabouts, so I decided to give it the silent treatment.

Glancing at the sky, all I could see were grey clouds completely blocking out the sun.

"Claire, is that you?"

I asked, but getting no response, I knew I was talking to myself only. The whole cemetery is deserted, just me - down on bended knee - in front of her final resting place.

Claire Miller

1999– 2022

"She is no longer in this world. She is dead.

There is nothing we can do anymore, Aster."

These are the lines- I remember Josh saying to me. He said I needed to let her go and move to Seattle. I don't understand why, but I didn't put up any questions in front of him at that time. I was afraid of reality, just standing there, eyes red and puffy, behaving like a child who was not ready to face the world yet.

"Aster, look here!! I'm just trying to help you out." It was almost like a yell, not only to me but also to Gina, who was watching us nervously from a safe distance, afraid that the two brothers were about to break out into a full-scale brawl.

But nothing happened. No matter how loudly he shouted, there was no change. Even if I locked myself in my room, hiding myself from reality. I still find myself standing here, in front of her grave. I can't stop thinking about her.

The delicate white roses I bought for her today remind me of how her funeral went.

Bouquets of flowers adorned her grave as her loved ones cried, and some were in a state of shock, while others remained quiet, struggling to cope with their grief.

It's been two weeks since Claire died. And yet I'm still stuck in a state of denial. While everyone else has moved on with their lives, I feel guilty and responsible for her death, knowing I had promised to be there for her in her time of need, but in the end, I wasn't there.

The rain was pouring down like tears from my eyes. It felt like she was still here, but in a different form – in the shape of rain. And now we were crying together.

My hands seem to have a mind of their own because even when my body feels numb, they find their way to the engraved name They touched it, they felt it, and they backed off.

I'm trying to stay strong, yet I can't help but let the tears flow.

"You shouldn't stay here anymore," her voice said.

But was it really her? Or am I just getting hallucinations now? I don't know.

However, it is true that I have to leave this place someday and start fresh for Claire's sake. So, before I could realize it, I turned and ran away.

_

I heard a faint tapping on my door, and I knew it was Gina right away. She poked her head in, eyes curious to see what I was up to, the worry on her face evident.

"Dinner is ready. Want me to bring it to your room?" I shook my head, "I don't have an appetite today."

"Aster," she spoke my name with a hint of anticipation as if she was hoping for a conversation.

She carved out some room on the bed and then sat next to me, patting my back gently.

"I am sorry about your brother's behaviour. He didn't mean to be harsh." I listened quietly as she calmly talked about the argument that had happened earlier. "He was just worried about you."

Josh was concerned about my mental health- I know he was. He tried to talk so that I would comprehend. But I chose to ignore him. He wasn't wrong- I was.

Gina stopped her patting hand, uneasiness still plastered on her face.

"Today...Mr.Miller dropped by." She spoke as I turned to her with a raised eyebrow. "He did?"

"Yeah, he asked if you were home, but you weren't here, so he spoke with Josh for a while and left." She paused and peered into my soul, "You should meet him."

" I shouldn't."

But she kept insisting while I stayed quiet. I wasn't sure if I should.

All I had was an excuse for Gina to leave, and thankfully she picked up that I wasn't in the mood for small talk.

After that, I locked the door and headed to bed. When I was about to switch off the desk lamp, my eyes fell upon the Polaroids still tacked to the wall grid. It was us - Claire smiling in every shot. Those memories we shared will never leave my mind, especially the one we took on graduation day. We were dressed in blue, my hand gently resting on her shoulder while her hand clutched onto a bouquet. I had a huge grin plastered, and she had a soft, smiley smile. Her dad took this picture, I remember.

I remember,

The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew my gaze would be forever lost in the depths of her beautiful eyes.

Our bond as co-workers, working in her mother's bakery, only serves to bring us closer.

Our nameless friendship, which anyone could see, especially when the sick, quiet girl involves with the troublemaker and ends up staying in detention together.

Our small talks revolve around our lives, hopes, and dreams that we both wanted to achieve.

How we became friends and then lovers, how her smile was enough to make me feel the happiest- I remember everything.

And that's why I find myself longing for her, for the sound of her chuckle, the curve of her lips, and the way her words still echo in my mind like a song. Only for her, for my Claire.