If I could say goodbye to you

Claire's Last Entry

Today is November 29th, 2021.

Current time- 10:04 pm

I'm writing this from my hospital room. The doctor here told me- today is my surgery.

My mom and dad told me I'd be fine, but I guess they overlooked the part where the doctor said the odds were against me.

I used to joke about how I'm so close to death, and how I could die any second to get away with anything, but now I want to live. It sucks that you are not even here, and what's more, I am missing you, very much, Aster. I can't use my phone anymore, can't hear your voice, but I miss you. I hate the fact that you have to go to Seattle.

At first, I tried to act mature, I accepted that my heart had a hole in it. I wasn't shocked, I didn't feel bad, even when Dad cried, shook my shoulder, and held me close to me just to whisper he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I didn't feel bad.

I felt pathetic when I had to let Aster go to while I just stood behind just because of my pathetic heart.

I feel terrible now, thinking I might not be able to see him. I don't want to die. At least not before seeing him before closing my eyes completely.

He said he won't forgive God if I die. But I don't want him to live a life with full of regrets.

Aster is stubborn, and he was stubborn to stay with me but it was me who told him he had to go Seattle without me, that day I broke his heart. I remember how he felt betrayed, yet he tried not to show it. He did everything for me.

But still, I m feeling selfish just to have his kiss, his hug, his warmth one more time before I die.

While writing this, I know my time is running out.

Soon doctor will march into this room, my parents will be just behind them, Esmeralda would try to hide herself , so I won't see her cry. And they will pick me up , ready to replace my heart, however I just know I won't make it . I know that I will be gone without seeing you one last time.

Tears are falling from my eyes while I am writing. I feel pathetic, but at the same time I glad that you are not here to see me. Because I know I would have never had the courage to tell you all this, if you were here next to me, holding my hand, and whispering that Claire, I be waiting for you.

Just thinking about it, make me sob, and that's why my own handwriting is getting spread by tears. I hate this , I hate I accepted death so easily. But I really don't want to die now.

But I promise you if there is another after life then I will be next to you, I will be someone who don't accept death easily.

This is the last time I be able to talk without thinking about consequences.

If I die, then please move on from me, It will be hard, because I know you love me the same way I do, and I know how much you will cry if you lost me because I will cry in the same way if I lost you. We are connected souls. Maybe not in this life, but in another I promise I will find you.

To my dad and mom, I only want to say don't miss me too much, but if you do, then please remember that I will come back to you by being your daughter again in my next life.

To my sweet sister Esmerlda, please don't be weak after I die. I know you are strong and I know you can take a better care of dad and mom.

Lastly to my Aster, I am sorry that I broke so many promise, I am sorry about my death but I just want you to know , that in my next life I will again find you.

You are not just Aster, with me you were My Aster, My love, My hope to wake up the next day, and no matter how fake it sounds, but your everything was something really close to me.

My everything is you, my you.

So please remember, If you miss me too much then please just call my name, you won't be able to see me, but I promise I be there listening to your every single words.

I might be parting away for now, but I promise in my next life I will find you all.

For now, goodbye.