𝐀𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭, ᵐᵃᵗᵗʰᵉᵒ ʳⁱᵈᵈˡᵉ

chapter 27

when remus lupin died, charlotte screamed. she cried loudly, and no matter who tried, she refused any comfort. the closest thing she had ever had to a father was gone. many people had come to her, offering her comfort, advice, love, anything she wanted, and she rejected it all. she found the comfort she rejected most harshly,
was mattheos. he had come to her with open arms and loving words, and she shouted at him, screamed and hit at him until he backed up slowly, away from her.

the bandaged cuts on his ribs could only be from one thing- or person- and that person is dead. she knew it was wrong to blame mattheo, that her anger was misplaced and directed at the wrong person, but she didn't care. he had walked up to her slowly, knelt beside her and hugged her tightly. she hit him. not hard, a gentle slap, and he pulled away, looking at her in confusion.

"i hate you," she whispered, and watched as hurt filled his eyes, as the distance between them grew. "you killed him." she said quietly. his eyes snapped shut and he turned away from her so quickly she thought maybe he would get whiplash. she heard him take a deep breath, and she knew, she knew the truth. of course he didn't kill remus, of course she didn't hate him, but she needed him far away from her right now, and she was fairly sure the only way to make him leave her was to make him think she didn't want him.

"charlotte," he said quietly, "that's not true." he said, though it didn't sound like even he believed it. she scoffed, and she knew deep down that what she was doing was ruining everything, destroying whatever hope there was of them having a second chance, but in the moment, she did not care.

"i don't wanna see you again," she muttered, leaning her head back against the wall and closing her eyes, "ever mattheo." she said sincerely. his eyes looked watery and wide, and it didn't suit him at all. she itched to reach up and wipe his tears, hug him tightly, but she couldn't. remus was dead. remus was dead, and nothing could bring him back. she wondered if, wherever he was, he could feel how strongly she loved him. but you cannot love someone back to life. remus would stay dead, regardless of how bad charlotte wanted him back.

mattheo nods once, the motion was jerky and unlike him, but she figured she thought most things he did were unlike him nowadays, when she barely knew him at all. some days go by where she doesn't hear his voice and she fears so strongly that she would forget it, and sometimes she would close her eyes and forget the precise brown of his, how warm they truly were and how kind they looked. some days she would forget she loves him, and some days it's all she can remember.  she knew what she was doing wasn't fair, but she couldn't help it.

he stood at her door, with his hand on knob, and she felt the sharp, stabbing urge to ask -beg- him to stay, but she didn't. she clamped her mouth shut sharply and watched as he twisted the knob and pulled her door open. he watched her the whole time. he's hesitating, and she knows he's waiting for her to tell him to stay, but she won't. she can't. he walks out the door, his back stiff and his face pained, and charlotte knew she had done the wrong thing, again.

mattheo was gone now, just like remus, and she didn't know if she could get him back.