17, Still Can't Swim

thirteen

the night air smelled like damp earth and fresh dew was an after-rain thought of spirited liquid and you.

if there were parties we would sneak out beers and vodka and wolf down the stale euphoria of its taste. in the house roof, we would sit and dance to the pulsing music beneath but all i can hear is your laugh on the side of my ear, slowly turning into a resonant memory.

and now as i dance on the ledge of our roof i always wonder what it would be like if i slipped and heard my bones crack as they hit the earth you no longer walk on. what would i give to get run over by a bus to dive into my own pool of blood just for a glimpse of you at the bottom. or to be held at gunpoint with my own hand and to feel the bullet erase your face in my mind.

because i will never learn to unlove you. there is a tornado in my head and you are the calm eye. my thoughts flood like eternal rivers, my earthquake trembling for your eruption yet all that remains are the hurricane rubble of you in my brain. but lo and behold you aren't here so let them cause me a natural destruction.

๓.
delilah