You'll Regret This (Matty Healy)

1

Guilt ran through me as I waited in the darkly lit street for Jackson, my dealer. I promised my friends I'd stop, but I can't. Not since him. I'm a wreck since my past boyfriend, Jesse. He saved me from hell only to drag me 10 feet deeper in. He was the love of my life. At least, I thought he was. I told myself the bruises would fade - but once I was hospitalised it was hard to fool myself, as well as everyone around me. He got me hooked on coke, but I loved him for that. Without coke in my life at this point in time, I don't know how I could keep waking up each morning. It was romantic... or at least I was tricked into thinking it was. Whether he tricked me, or I tricked myself ... I'm still deciding. I knew it wasn't normal to snort lines with your boyfriend all afternoon and wait for him to then take his frustrations out on your body with his fists, but I loved him.

Jackson slowly approached the wall I was leant against, looking every which way to make sure the coast was clear.

"Hey Elle. You got the money?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah, $75 right?" I asked.

"Yeah and $20 for last time." He quickly shot back.

"Right, shit. Look I'm a little short this week Jack, but I promis-"

"No! No Elle! You can't keep doing this man. My boss is going to have my neck if he doesn't get the money. Sorry, deal's off." He slowly began to back away.

"Jackson! No! Fuck sake! Look I'm sorry. Everything's fucked at the moment... just give me $50's amount tonight and I'll get you the money for next week" I pleaded with him, watching him inwardly debate within himself. He let out a frustrated groan.

"Fine but this is the last time Elle. I mean it."

"Thanks dude, I promise."

Unlocking the door, I slowly crept into the warn down flat, checking if my friends were awake. I breathed a sigh of relief seeing all lights were off, until I was interrupted by a pissed off looking Nicki flicking the light on.

"Elle, where the fuck have you been?" She walked towards me.

"Just exploring our new streets. I don't think London's ready for the three of us..." I lied through my teeth, trying to brighten what I knew was coming.

"Don't lie to me Elle. We've been here two months and you've barely left the flat apart from going to visit Wacko Jacko every Wednesday. Do you think I'm an idiot? I know you're still using." She looked exhausted.

"Stay out of it Nicki," I began to walk past her until she pulled me back by my arm.

"Look, I know Jesse put you through hell bu-"

"Don't fucking talk about him and don't fucking talk about the situation like you know what went on. You Don't!" I interrupted.

"Listen to me. I know you're not yourself anymore, and I know that powder shit helps you get through the day, but you can't keep doing this Elle. Dylan believed you when you promised you'd stop. He'll be devastated if he finds out." She's trying to guilt trip me.

"Here's a thought... don't fucking tell him." I rolled my eyes at her. I don't need to be dealing with this right now.

"Whatever Elle, do what you want. Just don't forget we're going to that party tomorrow night. You promised us, and I'm not letting you break this promise too."

"Got it... see you in the morning." I walked down the hall to my room, not before turning to see Nicki sat on the couch with her head in her hands.

I know I'm making my friends lives hell. They're constantly worried about me... whether I'm safe, whether I'm happy. I will never be happy again. I don't see any hope for me. I rummage through my bedroom drawers like a maniac looking for something to divide the lines with, picking up a photo of me and Dylan, guilt ripping through me. Dylan's my best friend, along with Nicki. He's helped me through everything. He's always been there for me, when my parents weren't, when my siblings weren't, when my boyfriend wasn't... he's always there. I let out a frustrated scream and debate whether I need the coke tonight, yet I decided to take it. I always decide to take it.

I sit in the chair near the one window in my room, staring hopelessly outside, looking for god knows what. I wish I could stop feeling like this, I wish I could get rid of this never-ending pain. But I can't, I've tried. I can only numb it for however long my high lasts. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.