You'll Regret This (Matty Healy)

6

I slept on the couch that night, not
physically capable of facing Dylan. As the sun began to rise and the light shone through the windows, waking me, I jumped straight up from the couch and fled the flat. I didn't want to see Dylan, not now, not ever. I'm disgusted in myself. I'm heartbroken. I've spent the past year, complaining and ruining my own life, over a boy... when Dylan's been here the entire time, and I didn't even realise. He's too good for me. He's kind, handsome, generous, funny. He has a heart of gold. He's everything I'm not.

I think of Dylan as a brother. I could never be with him. I care too much about him. I won't let him end up with someone like me. I'm the worst possible option for anyone.

I walk for what seems like hours, until I find an abandoned alley. Rummaging through my bag to sort a line out to get me through the morning. As I snort the coke I can't help but let the tears fall. I don't cry in front of people. I spent my entire relationship with Jesse showing weakness. I don't want to be weak anymore.

I sit down, closing my eyes, thinking about the past few days and how I've fucked everything up as per usual. I can never do anything right. I ruined my chance with Matty, if you could even call it a chance. I'm sure he wasn't genuinely interested in me. Nicki probably told George I sleep around and he probably clued Matty in. I'm sure a root is all he was looking for. A man like him could not be interested in a girl like me. No one could be interested in me. Which is why I don't understand Dylan's confession.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to disappear. Sometimes I daydream about death. It seems peaceful. I like the idea of no longer existing. But I could never bring myself to actually attempt killing myself. I couldn't put Nicki and Dylan through that. I'm a big enough burden upon them, as is.

"Elle? Is that you?" A voice sounds, as I hear the person walk towards me. Please just let me be. Opening my eyes, I see Adam, looking down at me with a confused gaze.

"Hi Adam, you okay?"

"What you doing out so early Elle? It's not safe for a girl like you?"
"A girl like me..." I chucked, mumbling to myself. If only he knew what I was like.

"Do you need a lift or something babe? Want some breakfast? You seem sad?" He rambles on.

"Nope, fine where I am thanks."

"Elle. What's going on? You've been crying. Want me to call Matty?" He asked. My eyes instantly opened, slightly panicked.

"No, no that's the last thing I want. Please Adam, leave me alone. I'm fine. I appreciate your attempt, but really, I'm okay."

"I don't believe you. But I'll leave you be. Come out tonight? My friends and I are going to a club... George and Nicki will be there. It'll take your mind off whatever's bothering you," he kindly smiled at me. I felt so fed up with myself that I don't even deserve a smile from Adam.

"Yeah okay. I'll tag along," I agree. The thought of not having to be in the flat alone with Dylan sounding great to me. I gave Adam my number, as he said he'd text me the details.

"See you tonight Elle. Be safe," he smiled and waved as he backed out of the alley.

......................................

I managed to avoid the flat all day, ignoring the few texts I received from Dylan. I sat in the alley majority of the day, thinking about the past. Self-pity and self-loathe coursing through my body as well as cocaine in my system.

I hesitantly approach the front door of the flat, praying to a higher power that Dylan is not home. My prayers were answered when I was welcomed by an empty flat. I quickly showered and put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and my boots, while sorting out my bird's nest of hair. Leaving the flat, I made my way to the club that Adam had texted me the address of. Once inside the club, I looked around for Adam or Nicki, quickly spotting Nicki's fluro coloured dress. I pushed my way through the mass of bodies on the dance floor and approached the table, stopping dead in my tracks when I notice Matty sat there, along with numerous other people.