You loving me is my biggest flex

12.

The next couple of days, Rafe completely shut down.
It was that bad, that Grisu had to call Berry and ask him for help.
After giving Rafe the phone, waiting in the other room, the only thing Grisu heard where the muffled cries of Rafe. He was weeping, again.
That was all he did, really.
Rafe slept a lot and it was a wonder when he woke up before 1pm. During the night though, he shifted all the time, nightmares keeping him wide awake.
And Aresu was at a loss of what to do.
Eating was another problem, for as Rafe could barely eat something without throwing up right after.
Her grandparents believed that he'd have the flu, giving him plenty of pills.
Well obviously that was definitely not the issue here.
"Rafe..."Aresu mumbled after finding him in bed after lunch, covered in three blankets.
Aresu noted another thing in her mind: He was always cold.
"Let me in, Rafe. You can't continue doing that. Do you want to go back?"
"We have holidays. We should enjoy it."
"Well, do you?"
"No. Do you?"
"Not like this, love. No."
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do?"
"Nothing..."
"Please..."
"There's nothing, darling."
"RAFE, GOD! PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME. I AM FUCKING WORRIED!"
"Then don't be," he hissed and looked at her. His red eyes looked so pained...so old.
"Well, I love you. I can't not fucking worry. Do you even love me? Because right now it doesn't fucking feel that way! Stop pushing me out!"
"Of course I love you. But I don't want to keep hurting you, because this hurts me..."
"Sometimes you realize that even though you hurt each other, you're meant to be together. Meant to grow together. That's about it, really, Rafe. You never showed it, but you never had to, right? Nobody cared enough for you to ask and show interest. You never had to open up or show your vulnerability. Because nobody was interested to ask, nobody wanted to know. But I do. I am interested. Because I love you! And I care about you."
"I don't want to become like my dad."
"You're not..."

She looked his demons in the eye and smiled. She fell for the very thing he thought she'd fear.
"Fix it, please," he mumbled.
"Fix what?"
"Me."
"I wish I could. But I'm not a therapist. I'm not enough. As much as I wished I was. When we're back, would you do me a favor and search for one? You need that. We need that."
"I know. I'm...ashamed."
"There's no need to be."
"Really? I feel weak."
"You're not. You're so strong." She shifted closer and touched his hot cheek, tears glistening on his wet skin. Again... they never seemed to leave him these days.
And she loved him.
And he loved her.
"Will you tell me everything now?"
"Yes..."

TW
Flashback

The small boy looked down to the ground. He knew dad was going to be mad at him. But he would understand, wouldn't he? Surely. He had to—
This day had been great, really.
Dad had said that he was supposed to be home early, but he was playing with his friends after school, they ran around on the fields, jumped over little hills and built up a little house in the small forest near their school.
They even played cards in that house.
Dad would understand...
He would not.
He was aware of that and he was utterly scared of what to expect.
His feet trotted over the ground like heavy sacks of steel.
In his mind he thought of all the possible explanations and excuses, well aware of the fact that dad was not gonna listen anyways.
Well, it's not like he had a job to do, being a little late was not a big deal.

He in fact had forgotten a job. Cleaning... dust covered the pathway to the basement, the light not lit and the whole hall dim and dark from the setting sun.
Dad was standing before him, furios. Eyes twisted in exhaustion and anger.
Lips curled like he was about to spit poison at him.
Screams of terror filled the hall.
"I'm sorry," he kept on repeating but dad didn't listen, and as Rafe tried to crawl away, his dad grabbed him by the shoulders, Rafe pushed, cried, wiggled, dad lost his grip (maybe it was intentional, maybe it was not) and with one step behind, he would fall.
He did not need to make a step, for as he was pushed.
And this is all he felt, air rustling in his hair, fear bubbling up like fireworks, a dark staircase in the distant and the smile of his dad.
Was he truly smiling or was it his fear that transformed dads face into a grimace of pure terror.
And then pain as he hit the floor, he screamed, his fathers steps were banging loud on the stairs as he ran down. A warm liquid flowing underneath him as Rafe lay there, crying, unmoving.
"You stupid boy! You disgrace!"

"I broke my arm, shoulder and two ribs that evening. It could've been worse though. The steps to the basement in your house... they look—horrifying similar."

(Outro: I miss you I'm sorry~ Gracie Abrams)