You loving me is my biggest flex

13.

(Song:Time~ Hans Zimmer)

...
I wish I'd die, he thought, wild thoughts running through the harsh reality of his mind. I should have died long ago, right when he pushed me down the stairs.
I should just end it now...I was supposed to die.
The blood that was spilled was supposed to be my end.
His world was pitch black, not that it truly bothered him, he's gotten sensitive to light anyways.
It burned his eyes until a fat headache crept its way up to torment him with memories.
Memories he had forgotten.
Memories that had slipped far to the corner of his mind.
He had begun to bite his lips, the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. Sometimes it made him gag. Sometimes is fulfilled his wish of distraction and his mind was calm. Only for a second... only for so long.

"Rafe, love, I'm going to touch your hand, alright? I don't want to startle you."
"Hm," he was too tired to give an actual answer.
"Come with me, please."
Standing up? Nope. Not today. Preferably never again.
He shook his head slightly and breathed in the deep smell of Grisus blankets. It was so warm here underneath these layers. So so warm... and still his whole being seemed frozen by painful daggers of ice.
"Rafe, please."
But Aresu asked him. And it was uncomfortable enough that she saw him like this. A weak little being, crushed by the weight of three blankets.
A loving god?
Where was this loving god just now?
Where was everything that gave him strength. He remembered running on the beach, walking, cooking... right now? There was nothing. His limbs seemed to be useless weights, dragging him down. And sometimes he imagined how undoubtedly nice it would be if his mattress just swallowed him.
Nothing would leave a trace behind that he ever existed in the first place. Nothing would remain... not even his bones, not his flesh, not his thoughts, his soul, his whole life, wiped away and extinguished for good. How heavenly.
And then there was Aresu and he knew, he couldn't die.
That little string of light that she gave him did not sting like the sunlight.
She was a candle in the darkness, and he wouldn't burn his fingers if he dared to stretch his fingers to feel the warmth, right?
Or would the candle burn out once he touched it.
He feared it.
"Rafe."
Her voice grounded him, brought him back to the present.
"Hm?"
"Come with me."
He sat up and everything seemed to drag him down again. The blankets did not cover his shoulders anymore and the cold crept closer.
He looked at her, his eyes long grown distant an cold.
Aresu remained silent, only took his hand and led him down the hallway.
She was so strong, he realized while following her.
Why was she so strong? How beautiful she was.
Then he saw the stairs
—and the sane part of him just saw the stairs. But pictures of blood and darkness flooded his brain and his inhales turned sharp like a knife.
Aresu pushed him slightly forward until he stood at the edge of the stairs, looking down into the pitch black darkness.
The cold tiles under his feel seemed to wobble.
"Shh."
Aresu stood right before him.
Stood where he had stood.
Looked at him...
Eyes...
But these were not his eyes.
She smiled and her eyes glistened with warmth.
She raised her hands and caressed his chest, his neck, his cheeks.
Rafe trembled.
She wasn't him, but his scene was way to familiar.
He looked at the ground. It was dirty.
"The ground is dirty, Rafe," Aresu said, following his eyes.
Panic overcame Rafe and he froze.
Aresu smiled though and kicked the shoes behind her to the side. The dirt that stuck to them fell down and the mud covered the tiles.
"Who cares," she said and Rafe widened his eyes.
And then she lowered her hands and touched his chest.
And Rafe, being still in shock, took a step back and stepped into nothing.

But he did not fall.
Aresu held him. Her hands holding him.
And then the memory was just a memory.
The darkness just the basement.
Aresu just Aresu.
Colors crept up his vision and he could only stare at her.
That was it. So simple.
He wasn't cured, of course he wasn't. But he could once again see clearly.
"If you fall, I'll hold you. If you tremble, I'll light a fire. If you cry, I'll comfort you. If you are alone, let's be alone together. I'm here Rafe. I'm not going anywhere."

He is home when he is with her.