The Blood Debt

Chapter 18

Ayla

Roman is a man who always honors his word.

When he told me he wanted all of me, I should have known what that meant and how Roman would stop at nothing until he'd achieved just that. Afterall, he's a man who's won every battle I've waged against him so it should come as no surprise that he outplays me again, but my heart is my last frontier so when he claims it, the blow of his betrayal stings all the more for it.

It's been four months since my agreement with Roman started and it's changed things between us as he predicted it would. It turns out sex is not as simple a transaction between two adults as I thought it would be.

When I make my deal with Roman, I have no idea how much my life is about to change. I'm naive enough to think that the changes will be limited to sex, but in my innocence I fail to comprehend the complexities of our relationship. In my grief I don't see that we've already blurred so many boundaries, become so much more than captor and captive long before our deal. I don't seem to understand that our pent up emotions finding release will make me more vulnerable than I've ever been with Roman and alter my perception of him.

In the months that follow there are outward changes in our relationship that are easily discernible to all, the most obvious of these is that my agreement and subsequent submission to Roman has given me a degree of freedom. I'm no longer the strict captive I once was. I buy my own clothes and wear what I want. That includes clothes that hide my grotesque tattoo, and I've gotten rid of the wardrobe Roman bought for me. But there's more to my freedom than just the cosmetic. I have access to cash, Roman's credit card for my expenses and I'm allowed out with Mateo if I need to go anywhere, and while my liberty is fragile and still rides on Roman's whim, even these small concessions make me feel human again. I've been given a phone and have access to the internet but I know this is a precarious privilege that hinges on me keeping my end of the bargain - no contact with my mom or Holly, so I abide by the rule because it ensures that Roman keeps his end of the bargain.

The other changes are less visible and ones that I feel inside me. Changes I only ponder when I'm alone and it's quiet enough for me to hear my own thoughts. I know now with the benefit of hindsight that sex isn't something you can confine to the bedroom where it stays. I realize I wasn't fully able to appreciate this when I made my arrangement with Roman. I didn't know something would be borne of our intimacy that would live and breathe inside me; that would change me. Perhaps naively, I never imagined that it would create a closeness between Roman and I that I'd previously thought impossible; how sex would make him the only person I'd share my most intimate self with, and how with that would come a deeper undeniable connection.

My sexual awakening at the hands of Roman is nothing short of a revolution, and not just the sexual kind - it's spiritual too. Four months ago I would have never believed that it would be Roman who would reach down into my very core, and draw out a self-love and confidence I didn't know I was capable of, but that's exactly what he does. Roman's adoration of me is akin to worship in those months. I am the elixir to Roman's malady, and this vice he has for me, is like an awakening that makes me come into my own.

I wake to the same routine almost every night. Roman's appetite for sex is insatiable. Our routine of 2 A.M. sex has me sleep deprived, so I rarely make it down to the club anymore, preferring to catch up on sleep by going to bed early instead. It's the weight of his body in the bed that alerts me to his presence, right before his arm wraps around me and pulls me against his chest. His hand wanders, finding its way between my legs, rubbing me in soft circular motions until I call his name breathlessly and part my legs willingly. I learn so many things about myself in this time, and they're lessons that tear down all the barriers I've built up around myself over the years. Roman's education not only teaches me about sex, but the nuances of my own body, and how responsive it is to his touch.