The Blood Debt

Chapter 28

Ayla

I excuse myself after dinner telling everyone that I have to put Noah to bed and that I'm exhausted too. It's true. Noah is exhausted. The excitement of meeting so many people and experiencing so many things has him slumped against Rejab while they watch Cocomelon together after dinner. He's practically asleep before I can button up his pajamas.

There's a door that connects from Noah's room to Roman's. I assume Roman had it put in as part of the refit and I'm glad he did. It gives me comfort knowing he's close by. It's the kind of room I could only dream of giving Noah, but it's the first time he'll be sleeping away from me since he was born and I watch him with a kind of uneasy sadness. I know it's well and truly time and had circumstances permitted I would have separated our beds much earlier, but I can't help but feel like he's been forcefully weaned from me.

I leave the door ajar, suddenly overcome with a need to wash the day away. It's the Roman Effect or at least that's what I used to call it. I don't know how else to sum it up. I don't know what it is or how he does it, but he manages to stir something inside me that's been dormant for years and I hate myself for it. It's a weakness that I'd hoped the passing years had lessened, but time clearly isn't an antidote for everything, and while my physical scars faded long ago, and whatever time didn't heal, laser removal certainly did, there are some things there's no answer for. It's the unease of that unknown that I can't quell, a voice in my head that I can't silence; the one that keeps telling me I've been through the eye of this storm before; I've been chewed up and spat out by it. I barely survived the first time; I can't imagine having the strength to do it again.

One step at time Ayla, I tell myself. But the minute I step into the master, it's like I've stepped back in time. The sight before me feels familiar and memories of my life with Roman come alive. It's overwhelming and confronting on a level I'm not prepared for and I feel numb before a crippling panic overtakes me. I can't help but wonder why it's here, in this bedroom where I felt the most loved and protected by Roman, that I'm so triggered. I've spent years trying to silence doubts, suppress desires, stop myself from looking back, wondering what might have been...  It's ironic how Roman's reappearance manages to erase all of that work and turns the past four years on its head in a heartbeat, bringing me back full circle to where it began.

The door opens behind me as I stare into space. My body feels like it's functioning in preservation mode but my mind's running a million miles a minute, and when I don't turn around to look at him, he comes toward me looking more uncertain than I'm used to seeing him.

He's holding a garment bag that's draped over his arm.

He holds it up awkwardly.

"Your dress for the ceremony," he tells me before pausing.

If he's waiting for a response, I don't give him one. I'm too tired for a fight.

"It had to be approved by Emina," he explains. "We had to make sure we didn't offend Imam Besim's delicate sensibilities," he says, giving me the faintest of smiles.

I nod, not knowing what I'm supposed to say in response.

Am I supposed to make small talk like he didn't just upend my life and claim me for a second time in so many years?

Because I can't.

I feel like I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Accepting the situation he's put me in without a fight feels like a betrayal, but fighting him hurts me too, and it hurts somewhere so deep inside me that I'm afraid to stop long enough to feel it. It's the kind of hurt that feels like a dull throb; it gnaws away at me so that I'm neither happy nor sad - I feel nothing.