I SEE YOU

PRAY (ASH'S POV)

The hotel is okay without me, I mostly just go there so I at least have something to do. But I left the house early this morning without any destination in mind.

I'm not sure who between Mercy and River I'm running from the most. Or maybe it's neither and I'm the one with the problem, it's a shame I'm stuck with me.

Right now I'm aimlessly walking down the streets of an area I've never quite been in. It's only six o'clock but the streets are roaring with life. People are bustling and preparing for their everyday lives.

I'm careful enough not to bump into anyone. And for some reason the loud buzz isn't bugging me, if anything it sounds hushed and a bit melodious to me.

It's like I'm a tiny spec in the world and everyone is just....living all around me. While the best I can do is just exist. Every breath I take is louder than the last and I can't help feeling it's the sound of my existence ticking away.

Every flutter of my eyes and the slowing of my heart is the countdown of a natural clock that I can't read. I can feel sweat dripping down my forehead even though the weather is so cool.

My autism is fighting to take front seat because it fears attention as much as it loves it. There's this odd urge sitting right on my throat, like if I open my mouth any wider I'll let out the loudest scream.
And then the world will stand still while everyone turns to look at the first woman to be tortured by the noise.

I remember River telling me that silence haunts her. I wonder what she'd say if I told her it's the opposite for me, I'm always craving for a silence my mind just won't let me have.

Somehow somewhere down the line, I stopped walking and only now am I taking notice of where I am. Before me is a Catholic church and I swear I can hear a distant voice calling me to come in.

I find myself doing just that without much thought. And as expected, there are no people in church on a Tuesday morning. I walk forward and take a seat at the front.

It's weird, this church is so big if i breathe any louder I'll prolly hear an echo. But the silence isn't deafening or filled with the quiet noise, all I can hear in my head and ears is....nothing.

My eyes lay on the altar that holds an artifact of the virgin Mary. And behind her is her son Jesus, bleeding on the cross man put him on.

My heart is clenching so much it physically hurts. I can't really put what I'm feeling into words.

See, I grew up as a Christian. My mom has always been a firm believer regardless of what anyone would say or do. But surprisingly, she never forced her religion on any of us.

Going to church was always optional for my siblings and I. And I was the only one who chose to go, another thing that made it hard for them to relate to me and vice versa.

I used to be fascinated by the idea of God, and as I grew I faced challenges that made me drift from the church as a community. But not once did my faith ever dim, for some reason I've always believed that things will work out in the end.

It's a bit crazy that on the day the cloud hanging over me is the darkest, I happen to find my way back inside a church.

I have been mistreated by people the majority of my life, but no one has been a bigger critic to myself than me.

Like, you know how some people have internal homophobia?? Where they know deep down they are gay but they can't accept it, so they throw shade at anyone that's openly queer.
I have that in the form of dislike. I have this thing of just putting myself down first so that when other people do it, it won't hurt nearly as much.

My autism is merely the cherry on top of my many flaws. There are days where I wake up and my mental health just goes downhill and there's nothing I can do but crack under the pressure.

Being here right now is just getting to me in a way even I can't explain. There's this lump in my throat and my heart is beating abnormally. I try to hold off whatever wave is coming, but then I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder and I just break into a fit of sobs.

Whoever is next to me keeps rubbing my back in smooth circles and more tears keep falling. Eventually I manage to calm down and I look up at the stranger, I'm met by a warm smile on an older gentleman's face.

Judging from his attire, it's no mystery he's a reverend. I try to mirror his smile before wiping my face, I probably look like the hot mess that I am right now.

"Let all your grievances out my child. There's no need to mask anything in my presence. I'm here to listen and guide you where I can." I nod my head slowly as I work on evening my breaths.

"I guess it's normal to find crying women in here first thing in the morning." He smiles and I see some teasing in his eyes. "Actually, It happens more than you would think."

I find myself relaxing and getting comfortable with him quickly. "So, what has this young woman crying first thing this morning."

I bite back a smile as I let my eyes fall on the alter before answering. "To be honest with you reverend, I have no idea." I look his way when he doesn't say anything.

The expression on his face is one of patience, like he is waiting for me to figure my thoughts out and put them into words. I let out a deep sigh and ruffle my hair a bit.

"It's just that my..." I stop myself right before I say girlfriend, I'm not sure that's something I wanna say to a man of religion. These are some homophobic people, and I really don't think getting kicked out of church would be nice.

"My partner is sick and I'm incredibly worried. Whenever I bring the doctor up sh-, I mean, my partner blows me off. I suspect my partner knows what is wrong and that just scares me even more because if my partner isn't telling me, it must be something really bad and I..."

He puts his hand over mine to stop my rant and I look at him with glassy eyes. "I think you can just say your girlfriend or wife. It's not my job to judge people and their lifestyle choices."

His words make me feel better a lot more than I can express, I even sigh in relief. "Thank you, I think I was gonna freak out if I said my partner one more time."

We both chuckle at this before silence settles over us. I end up breaking it as I spill my true fear. "My gut is flashing red and I can't help feeling like something bad is going to happen. I can feel a tragedy brewing."

I wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs and rid myself off this feeling in my chest. It's bearing heavily on my soul. The reverend's voice brings me out of my thoughts before I spiral too far.

"If there is something I have learned in life and the church. It's that, sometimes the people we love hide things from us to protect us. And usually, this attempt fails because we end up getting hurt either way."

I figured something of this sort might be happening, but hearing someone else say it out loud kind of makes it hard for me to breathe.

Mercy does not understand the depth of our relationship if this is the case. She doesn't get how deeply rooted we are and how scared I actually am.

"Let us pray." The reverend stands as he says this and I follow him to the altar.

I haven't prayed in a while and I hope God hasn't forgotten all about me. My life is taking a full turn and I can feel it forming in my tummy.

I hope prayer is enough to get us through whatever is coming.