My s/o brings to me how his mom mentioned something poor about my appearance; I reply asking for 10 mins of quiet to process this insight (his family are people I need to be protected from #kindofabigdeal) a boundary to which he had a very hard time respecting. It is important to mention this was the first time I felt fear. Post processing, I asked what his response was to his mother and after thinking for a lifetime, he decided he didn't remember. *note at this point he was getting pretty defensive of his mother. I did clarify that i'm aware she is doing the best with what she's working with, also truly this saddens me, as it means she judges herself in the same manner. Of course I tell him I don't buy it and he begins attacking "you're overreacting " "why are you like this" "get over it!'
I leave immediately, I'm not interested. He follows, yelling, patronizing me. Anything I say is dismissed with "that's jibber jabber" (barf) and a waiving off of the hand. At this moment, I'm shocked! I've only experienced this class of men in films.
me:
-don't yell at me
- these are my feelings
- you're not listening to me
- you're supposed to be on my side
He leaves and returns... angrier. Instructing me to go to bed. I'm hurting; looking right into someone I know. With emotion, I'm trying to bring him to hear me; it's as though I'm speaking in a foreign language. That feeling is back, as I realize I do not recognize the man sitting in front of me. I make one last attempt to guide him out of his anger; this time he begins physically putting his hand over my mouth when I try to speak. I'm at a complete loss and putting all of my strength into throwing his hands off of my body. I'm met with continuous resistance, his hand keeps forcefully finding it's way over my mouth. He maintains eye contact while rhythmically repeating "BE QUIET".
With all my energy, I order him out- sternly. My voice is louder now but I'm feeling an all time weakness come through my body. I know he is stronger than me, that I have nowhere to go on a whim and I know that this is not a safe space. He leaves with a literal bang, hitting things harshly near me and making certain to yell about how inconsiderate I am followed by a hefty final slam of our door. At this point I am so confused. My nervous system is in shock, my mind, of course, is doing its processing thing, rapidly. I'm overwhelmed with questions for myself and I'm freezing cold. I didn't know this man existed here...or I had myself convinced at least. The human experience is traumatizing. That's the point I suppose, to overcome.
I'm scared now, trying to navigate that. To think, I spent my day reminiscing of this man, proud of him, loving him with my thoughts. Ironic enough, this was clearly my idea of him and not who he is in reality. The unavoidable "what is wrong with me" passes through my mind. Back down on earth, I am aware the poor behavior of others has nothing to do with me. Are there any good people? Am I even capable of differentiating?.
"Perfect" is a term very often used by others to describe me, or who they think I am in real life. To be a subtle reminder that there are always two sides.
