model call || h.s

Asking for help....

Hey everyone. I know it's been a minute since I've been on here. I'm sort of in the lowest place I've ever been in m entire life, and I'm not sure there's anyone in my direct circle of people who understand the mental struggle that I've been fighting for the last year. I was always one to belittle mental health issues... "oh, you have depression? Have you tried just....getting over it?" Well, Karma is certainly a Queen cause home girl hooked me up with not only, MDD (major depression disorder) but also PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), which Is just such a doozy. It's wild, so it's been almost bi-polar-esque, but like...my case is seemingly bi-polar's cousin that's like...on insane steroids once a month, The week(ish) before your menzies. And I'm already a basket case throughout that week. My final diagnosis (as of this moment) is AAD (acute anxiety disorder). That one's just a daily struggle, like I'm sure a lot of you struggle with. I've been doing EMDR therapy, hoping to see a change from that...anyway, long story long, due to my insane rollercoaster feelings/moments and entire days, I've managed to lose not one, but three jobs since July. I've never financially struggled like this before. My bank account is $117-something in the negative, and I'm struggling like I've never struggled before. Mental health is so real you guys. And if I ever said otherwise or wrote otherwise, i don't think I did, but if I did...damn, I'm so sorry. I don't wish this on anyone. No one deserves to fight this darkness. Anyway, I'm not one to ask for help, but I figure as a fan base, we all loved each other and supported each other through our love for people who know of our basic existence, but we woke up and cherished these people, and it wasn't ever really reciprocated the way we dreamed/wrote about. I still love and admire them, but im not asking them for help. I'm asking you, because even if they struggle with the stuff im struggling with, I feel like im not struggling the way they're struggling. Whether it's due to finances or insurance or copays (I got turned away from my primary care doctor yesterday because I didn't have the $5 copay, I showed her my account, I said please I need help, I need to talk to someone and she said I can't do anything because it's all the billing department and she couldn't override it. I ended up walking out after filling out the questionnaire saying that I'd thought of not being alive anymore and I needed help dealing with that. But then again, im 29 and $117 negative annnnd probably my own worst enemy. I was thinking of self ..pub.lishing model call - reimagined and if I asked for like.....idk a 5¢ profit...I haven't even looked up if this is something remotely possible...would you guys buy it though to help me? Of course model call original (this one) would stay up for as long as Wattpad allows...im not looking to be rich at all, I just need a little bit of help. And it grosses me out that I'd even stoop this low, but guys I'm desperate. My Venmo (I hate myself seriously I hate that I'm putting this on here) @ecb2994

I told my fiancé my feelings yesterday, wanting to explain to him that I was feeling like I'd be better off dead, and he told me life doesn't work that way and that I need to grow up. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not...all I know is that I feel like I'm drowning. I told him sort of about this book and he doesn't think this will work, that people who might not know me would want to help me. And again, maybe he's right. But I can't do it you guys, especially not by myself. This is all too hard, this whole life thing. Thank you guys for supporting me in the past. And to the ones who are still stumbling upon this book...don't ever settle for someone who doesn't believe in you. I hold this relationship that I created in really high regard, because it's a relationship I've never seen. I used to think my parents were like this, but they're not. And they've been incredibly damaging in my mental health struggle, but also a big part of the blame. They struggled with financial insecurity my entire life. We were evicted constantly, my dad went to jail for insurance fraud...I was a senior in high school and the local paper wrote an article about it a week before I graduated. I thought it was all normal and I'm all sorts of effed up.

Anyway, this was a real ride....this post. If you guys would be willing to support my publishing his book, let me know, if not, that is so okay. It's my own mess to clean up. But to each and every one of you, I hope and pray to something greater that you're happy and healthy and thriving. I want nothing but the best for you.