me after realizing this is another headcanon book and i should rename this from random dhmis things to random dhmis headcanons 😢
anyways
how have you guys been doing?
good? bad? absolutely terrible to the point where you have 15 mental breakdowns at once for something that doesn't matter and you shouldn't focus on?
nice.
this chapter is basically just a vent, so you can skip if you want. it literally has nothing to do with dhmis and its just me whining about how i feel like a ghost.
this is your warning!!! ⚠
might contain some... triggering things for you!!! *scary monster pops up and you have no reaction*
anyways (x3)
the vent starts in the next paragraph:
So, my mom moved into the house and her room is right next to mine. That's not the main thing, though.
The main thing is school. I absolutely hate school. To the point where I would rather relive my worst, most traumatic memories and feelings then spend another second at school. It's so fxcking annoying and I hate it.
I almost h@nged myself in front of everybody during PE. I'm sure nobody would even notice that, though. I seriously have no life at this point. "Oh, but why don't you tell anybody?" You ask, unknowingly.
It's complicated. There's 17 thousand different reasons I don't wanna tell anybody.
It's getting harder and harder to keep my anger in. I am one "joke" away from becoming a school shooter. I fucking swear. I've been feeling depressed for way to long. People don't know how to shut the fuck up. I'm seriously going to sew their mouths shut and rip their vocal cords out. I wanna cry my eyes out, but I can't. I've run dry, apparently.
(Another TW, btw.)
I think of harming myself.
Like seriously.
Seriously ripping my fucking hair out.
Ripping my skin off and throwing it against the wall.
I have a blade in my room. A blade that could cut through my skin. I haven't used it for harming myself yet, but I won't hesitate at this point. Everything is too overwhelming and I can't communicate properly. Everything is stressing me out and I don't know how to say it. I have friends, sure, but not ones that would listen to me when I'm feeling like cutting myself. I feel sick just typing it out. "Cutting myself"? Jesus. What has my life come down to?
I remember when I used to go to the gas station every other day with my dad when I was 6-7. Now, my relationship with my dad isn't that strong. I'm actually kind of scared of him, to be honest...
I just wanna run away to a person who will be there for me. Who will accept me. Who won't make fun of me. Who won't be so neglectful.
The person I trust the most right now is my mom. She makes sure to tell me that she loves me every single day.
But I don't even have the guts to tell her that I feel like shit. Sleeping is my only escape.
Every weekday is the same.
Get up at 6 AM. Get dressed. Wait for the bus. Go to school. Skip breakfast. Go through math. Go through science. Go through PE. Go through ELA. Go through history. Have lunch. Finish history. Go to science again for a project. Wait for the bell to ring. Get on the bus again. Wait on the bus. Go home. Get into more comfortable clothes. Watch my sister. Sleep. Read. Eat dinner. Go on my phone till it's 1 AM. Go to sleep and repeat.
It's all the fucking same except that everyday just gets harder and harder.
I don't wanna live anymore.
I don't wanna do this.
I don't have to keep it in.
I don't have to keep it a secret.
I don't have to keep feeling like this.
I don't deserve this life.
I don't wanna hurt myself.
But I swear to god.
When I snap, It's gonna be a big fucking deal.
Thanks if you read this.
Sorry if you thought I'm being dramatic.
I'm just going through a lot right now. And nobody is noticing.
So, yeah.
Please don't feel bad.
Go have a better day than me.
Life is worth living, I swear.
A lot of times it just sucks.
You'll get through it.
This is just me.
Don't feel down because I feel down.
Go read something else.
Thanks.
