Words in my heart, as heavy as they seem, can't be said out loud since the versions of them contradict one another.
Am I putting the efforts to change my future? Or is that I am still continuing to procrastinate but in a more subtle and subdued way? Am I directionless or just unambitious? Did I peak already or was I just the same throughout the whole time; just the external boundary that kept me believing that I could do more?
Will my rose-tinted dreams be just an illusion or was I never dreaming of real substance?
Words thrown around but struck a painful chord:
"Forever third wheeling to others."
"Planned through rose-tinted ideals."
"Once I am done washing my hands from someone, I don't look back at them ever."
"Because of her nagging, he would have reluctantly sent the money for you."
"Had he asked for more money to send it to you at that time, I would have cut contacts with them."
"Because of her thinking that you are not been given enough compared to us, he had shouldered your education without loans, had you taken loans like us, you would have understood better rather than have this privilege which neither of us had."
"The way you are it doesn't seem you are stupid or retarded to understand things done for you."
"Are you a psychopath because sometimes, I feel you don't understand the efforts we put for you."
"You are not even able to basically sustain yourself forget everything else."
"You are seriously pissing me off."
And many more that, have been said but can't be written.
In no way am I portraying others as villain and me a victim, but at times, I don't feel like doing "adulting" because simply I AM TIRED and would like a break/escape from all this.
My escapisms are -getting lost in the world of fictions, fantasy and of course reincarnation stories - courtesy of this portal through which I'm venting and others.
Even after all these, my heart is truly tired and heavy. The words are still unspoken, will they never be uttered out loud ever?
