Private Fears in a Public Place

Chapter 4

Him

"Where's mama?" I asked Ali, our younger brother. He was deeply absorbed in his phone, likely playing online games, and barely acknowledged my presence.

I had a hunch she might be in the backyard, perhaps reading on her phone, so I went to check. There, I found her struggling to pluck some lemons. When she noticed me, she paused and asked about my day, noting that I hadn't even dropped my bag yet.

"It's ok," I replied. I was eager to share my good news about acing the quiz. "We had a quiz a while ago."

My mother extended her hand, and I knew it was time for the Filipino tradition. I took her hand as a sign of respect, allowing her to touch my forehead. "You slept in class, didn't you?" she asked, smiling.

"I did, but I still got a perfect score," I admitted. "Didn't even bother to open my notes."

She smiled and wiped my forehead. "That's good. Change your clothes now; you're soaked with sweat." I nod and went inside my room, removing my blouse and skirt off and threw myself on my bed.

After changing, I found myself crying at the school's gutter. I was upset about the District School's Press Conference outcome.

"Hey, I'm sorry." I lifted my chin and saw our fellow anchor found me in distress and offered comfort. He invited me to play a game, although I hesitated due to my inner conflict.

"Ks!" he exclaimed after.

"Your mother's now calling you." I whispered when I heard ma'am Paris calling out for his name.

He sighed in a frustrated way and stood while playing still. I stood and went to the science garden to think about life. If I don't cause pleasure to them about what I have just done, then, they'll be the one who'll decide for my life. For the path I'll take and so on and so forth. Maybe, I lived to be controlled.

One thing I don't understand is why do I still have to plead just to be in here, when in fact, when I was in my fourth grade, they even told the school that they'll be the one who'll pay for my expenses, just for me still to be in the competition. Alternative's job.

"Why are you here, crying?" it was a voice from unknown. Maybe, memorizing ones voice isn't important in here. My future does.

"Fucking dumbass." I told myself, hitting my head and bang it on my knee if I get hurt with my hand. "What will happen now? Jerk." I don't care if I keep on talking here, no one's around. No one cares. "What if you listened? What if you didn't fought for this thing that you know from the very first start that this doesn't suit you?"

I want this. I really do. That's why I insisted. I made a bet that I know I'll loss. I wanted to prove them that I, myself were great enough to be their daughter. That I'll be worth the compliment of theirs. So that there's no need for them to compare me. To tell straight 'to my face that I'm no one. That I don't belong in here because of who am I.

Who am I? Really? Am I even the protagonist of my own, or rather, the antagonist? Maybe an extra to a novel of someone else's story. Would I be like others? Who'd successfully make it in the end of their mistakes. Who would be thrilled whenever they'd gone broke. Would I be like them? Perhaps, Should I, be like them? I don't think so. I don't think I can. Who am I fooling? Really.

"There's no use of questioning yourself "what if's" if it already happened. Just focus on the present."

I turned to face the one who spoke and scoffed when I saw him, (our history teacher) sitting right beside me with both his knees embraced by his hands. "Vent." he told.