SandRay - His Downfall & The Road Back Home

whiskey & regret

Chapter 4

Ray was a mess again, this time the booze had nothing to do with it. It has been 5 weeks since that night, and Ray had not seen or heard from Sand. Ray had deluded himself into thinking that this was just Sand being upset but that eventually they would fall back into their usual routine.

That delusion kept Ray sane.

But the reality of Sands' departure from his life hit Ray like a ton of bricks. No calls, no texts, no social media posts, even the few times Ray had gone to YOLO, Sand was not there. It was as if Sand had vanished off the face of the earth.

All Ray wanted now was just a glimpse of Sands' existence. He looked for him at school, at YOLO, at the gogo bar he sold his plum wine to, but he never found him.

Ray was selfish and he knew it, but the thought of never waking up in those warm arms again made his stomach churn. Even the liquor couldn't erase the memories of Sands' laugh and touch.

At first Ray thought that taking time apart would be good for both of them, it would give them time to let go of any unwanted feelings. But the longer he went without Sand the more his heart yearned for him.

This was not what he wanted. He told Sand he could separate sex and love but that was a lie. Ray began spiraling again, unable to control his drinking. Even Mews's constant check-ins were beginning to annoy him. His feelings for Mew, entangled in his feelings for Sand, gave him a headache.

Mew no longer filled the gaping hole in his heart anymore, in fact Ray knew his feelings for Mew had long ago diminished. The concerned look in Mew's eyes was driving him crazy. How long has he wanted Mew to pay attention to him, how long has he been pinning over his best friend.

Too long.

The feelings Ray kept for Mew were sacred, they had given his life some sense of purpose for all those years. Mew was symbolic of the life he wanted but the life he could never reach. He was broken and damaged, and constantly felt like that lonely teenage boy who had to witness his mothers last breath.

He could see it in everyone's eyes. The pity, the exasperation of having to deal with his drinking and sensitivities. Even Boston was getting on his case now.

Ray didn't want to see anyone, he didn't care anymore. He spent countless hours recalling every moment he spent with Sand, trying to figure out what it all meant. Every subtle look in Sands' beautiful brown doe eyes. Every look of annoyance, laughter and affection. Every time Sand looked at him, he knew he was being seen.

That terrified him.

He spent so long wanting to be seen by someone that when it finally happened he had thrown it all away. He was blinded by his idea of what he thought love was, that he took Sand for granted. Even if they had agreed to keep things simple, they both knew that that electric pull they had towards one another was more than just sexual attraction.

Ray opened another bottle drowning himself in the taste of whiskey and regret.