Paint It Black [ ChanBaek ]

8

Chanyeol stares at the photo in his hand, the edges are frayed and the colour is yellowed. This was a souvenir of one of the best days of his life and now it is nothing but a reminder of a blackhole of loss that keeps growing more powerful.

He touches the happy faces with his fingers gently, too gently scared he might wipe off the smiles even if it’s just in the picture.

There are days when he tries to forget and let go of the past, but then some days he just wants those memories to take over him, like being tucked under a thick blanket covering him from head to toe with not even a small opening left for him to breathe.

A part of him wants to go and knock on Baekhyun’s door and fall into his arms, begging for some comforting words that there is still hope for him, that he is still worth it.

But somehow his body doesn’t seem to be able to move like his legs are stuck in quicksand pulling him into the nothingness.

Chanyeol fumbles through the contents of the table, he is out of cigarettes, and the empty soju bottle7 falls on the ground. His finger touches the small bottle, he finally finds what he has been looking for.

Unscrewing the cap with his shaky fingers he he shakes the bottle lightly, two tiny white tablets drop on his palm.

For tonight he needs this, the sleeping pills are like a sweet escape. Tomorrow he will be going back to being an unforgiving spectre and watch his life haunting him all over again.

Swallowing the pills he waits for his mind to drift into unconsciousness. He gazes at the window reflecting the bright neon orange lights of the store signs. Being the only source of light in his otherwise dark room, his eyes are used to the darkness.

Slowly the colours blur like a painting being washed away by rain, and his focus diminishes as his eyelids feel heavier with each passing second. He will have to face the reality again but for now, he retreats to the blackness.

                               *

Chanyeol can hear faint sounds, a knocking on his door, his name being called out, a face staring back at him with worry, those pink lips, a mess of brown hair, and sparkling eyes that would crinkle with every smile...even in his distorted vision he still looks beautiful.

He wanted to reach out and touch those creasing lines of his forehead to let him know he was fine but his body felt too heavy, like the pull of gravity has intensified ten times. He knows that this is his dream and for once it doesn’t scare him he wants to keep sleeping.

...

“What were you doing?” Baekhyun asks as soon as he swings the door open.

His voice is too loud, or maybe it is still the headiness that refuses to leave Chanyeol even after he wakes up. The tiniest of noises are like a hammer banging inside his cranium.

“I was..sleeping” Chanyeol licks his chapped lips, his voice is hoarse like a nail scratching on a brick wall.

“I knocked on your door many times” Baekhyun snaps eyebrow furrowing.

“Can you speak a little..softer” he lifts his palm, his fingers trembling slightly.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun’s eyes bored into him, it was the similar concerned expression that Chanyeol had seen in his dream.

I am fine these three words were enough, no one likes a person who sucks the happiness out of others because they are too sad inside so he has told himself to never let others know how he feels, he is used to hiding his pent-up emotions inside expect for his pillow that muffles his screams and his empty flat that has a front row seat to his many break downs.

“No...no I am not” he shakes his head repeatedly whispering, tears springing from his eyes he doesn’t care. An arm wraps around him and that's all he remembers before everything goes dark.

....

Chanyeol wakes up to see Baekhyun sitting on the other end of the couch, his head lolled on the backrest, eyes closed.

His eyes fall on the tattoos on his fingers sprawled across his stomach. They are symbols he doesn’t understand. He wonders what they mean. Probably something that Baekhyun wants to remind himself of for the rest of his life.

“Stop staring”

Hearing his voice Chanyeol looks up at Baekhyun staring at him, chewing on his lips.

“I. I wasn’t staring” Chanyeol replies tearing his gaze away embarrassed.

“I like that..” Baekhyun leaned forward to touch his cheek “The color looks good on you” he whispered breathily, he was close, so close Chanyeol could see the tiniest of imperfections on his face which made him even more beautiful..more real.

“What color” he asks entranced.

“When you blush” Baekhyun chuckles moving back, resting his head on the cushion.

He didn’t know if he had ever blushed before probably there was never a reason to.

“You look like shit though” the brunette muttered blinking, even though his voice sounds casual there is a worried look in his eyes.

I feel like shit” Chanyeol smiles, he nudges the other’s thigh with his toes playfully making Baekhyun giggle.

Chanyeol gets up from his seat and straddles him holding his waist, Baekhyun squirms under him bursting into a laugh. A weird sense of relief washes over him, he feels happy.

“You know you can talk to me...if you want,” Baekhyun says after some time, looking right into his eyes as if searching for an answer.

“I know...I know” Chanyeol mumbles and bends down to kiss those lips that he can’t stop craving.

Because those lips taste like love.