Lost Smile//Connor Bedard

39.

Connor's POV

I hugged Angelina tightly. My arms wrapped around her waist so tight. I never wanted to let her go, I couldn't let her go. I couldn't lose the one good thing going for me. The one good thing I was happy about. Everything about her meant the world to me. Her smile, her hair, her face, her personality. Everything was just perfect.

She's the only one who could fix me.

After the argument I had with my mom, I had decided against the whole rehab facility and just stick with Vanessa. I knew she would be of help the more I saw her. I knew the more I saw her, I would stop doubting myself and blaming myself for everything. Taylor's words weren't helping, Taylor's note didn't help. I didn't know what else to do. I booked an emergency meeting with Vanessa to talk to her, I even brought Angelina with me. This will be good.

It will be very good for me. For us.

I walked in the all too familiar office. Angelina trailed behind me. I gave the secretary a smile and she gave me a friendly one back. She picked up her phone and a few moments later we heard footsteps make their way downstairs.

"Hello Connor, I'm glad you've come back" Vanessa smiled.

"I'm glad to be back. I have a lot to talk about. I brought Angelina today" I smiled.

"It's very nice to meet you Angelina. I'm Vanessa, Connor's therapist" Vanessa stuck out her hand and Angelina shook it, returning to warm smile.

"Let's head upstairs shall we" Both of us followed her up the stairs and to the room I last spoke to her in. I sat in one chair while Angelina sat in the one right beside me.

"Alrighty you two" She began, ruffling her papers before continuing, "What seems to be going on?"

I began by telling her everything. From the nightmare turning into a night terror, to my worsening depression. I exploded. Tears ran down my cheeks as well as Angelina's. it felt good to once again get everything out, but I didn't feel better. For some odd reason I didn't feel any better. I felt worse this time. I felt more shame towards myself as I explained how I almost hurt Angelina. I often asked myself the question of how and why she would stay especially after everything I have done.

She had many opportunities to leave, but thankfully she never did. She loved me when I felt that no one else did. She made my heart happy. But for some odd reason, she didn't make my soul happy. The more I spoke to Vanessa, the more I got out, the more I realized that I didn't think happiness would be an option for me anymore. I felt as if I my life was slowly beginning to lose meaning. I felt hopeless. Worthless you could say.

I wasn't even listening to what Vanessa was saying. I saw her mouth moving, I saw her look over at Angelina. But I was spaced out, I knew I was.

"Screw this" Was all I said before storming out. I didn't look back, I didn't care enough to. I heard their voices calling my name but I walked out the door and onto the main road.

That's when I decided to go to that place. The place I hadn't been to for a few days. I reached the cemetery after a good 20 minute walk and sat down in my usual spot.

"Hey buddy" I speak. I rearrange some of the flowers in the vases along his tomb. I toss some of the dead ones in the near by bin before sitting back down once again.

"You know you shouldn't have left that appointment right?" Taylor's voice rang in my ears.

"I had no use for it" I shrug. I know I am talking to no one but a voice in my head. People probably think I am crazy, but I honestly could care less.

They wouldn't understand.

"How many times do I have to fucking tell you Bedard? Get help or you will end up like me" I know he's angry with me.

"What if I want to end up like you? What if I lost my purpose to live?" My voice falls low. Tears fill my eyes. My depression is taking over me. The sadness is winning. I am slowly losing my will to want to keep going.

"No no don't you fucking say that. Ever" Taylor begins. This time I hear shuffling and I see a white light in front of me. Suddenly that white light turns into Taylor.

He looks sad, pissed off. I couldn't quite tell, but I knew he wasn't happy to see me.

"Connor, stop all of this. You have so much purpose on this planet. You had way more than I ever did. You have will power, a beautiful girlfriend who wants you to get better. I saw what you did to her and of course I was upset, but I knew it was your depression" He sighs as he sits next to me, "please stop blaming yourself. I find myself telling you this more than I should. The honestly hurts me. No one blames you, especially not Angelina. Nothing was your fault"

"I feel like I could have done more to help you. I could have listened to you, I should have noticed the signs but I didn't" I sniffle, "Now you're gone"

"I know I'm not walking earth anymore. I know I'm gone physically, but that doesn't mean that I am never with you. I was there for grad, you just couldn't see me. I was there at your first appointment with Vanessa, again you didn't see me. I'm always there Connor" He reaches up and points to my heart, "I'm always in there"

"I'd give you a hug, but that's like impossible so I'll say this" He pauses as he stands up, the white light once again returning, "Angelina is on her way here, please talk to her" And with that he was gone.

I kept my eyes fixed on the tomb after he left. No matter how many times he tells me it wasn't my fault, I just couldn't find a way to believe it. I blamed myself everyday and hurt the girl I loved the most. But it wasn't me talking and I knew that. The demon I called my depression was ruining me and I didn't know how to get rid of it.

I was a mess. A fragile mess. I felt as if I will never be better again. My heart ached constantly.

Did I even have a purpose anymore?