"Whispers of the Heart: A Personal Symphony of Emotions"

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I always accepted the fact that people only love me for a short amount of time. I get it. I'm not very interesting or fun. So when people say they love me, it's always with a grain of salt. I know that eventually, they'll move on. I'm easy to forget.

First you'll ignore me for a day, then that moves to 4 days, then next thing you know you stopped talking to me for a week and you'll realize I never existed in your world. No matter how much I wanted to, I never seemed to fit in. I try not to be sad, but there's this heavy weight in my lungs that just won't leave me alone.

I feel so left behind. I just want to be loved and accepted by someone truly for who I am, not just because I was born. But I know that will never happen. I'm always going to be the one on the outside, no matter how hard I try. I'm used to being alone.

I just want someone who is completely obsessed with me. I want them to want me more than I want them. That's never the case, though.

The thing about me is I give many chances. Like if you're busy, I get it. If you've had a tiring day, I understand that, but after so many times I start to think I'm not good enough for you. My mind starts racing, thinking about all the things I could have done wrong. Wondering why I'm so boring and not fit for you. In reality, you just never wanted me like that. I didn't see. I was blinded by the fact that someone would finally want me for who I am.

The weird thing is you did tell me you wanted me. You had said I was funny, and you even told me I was pretty. Once you started to say how much I meant to you, I thought you were telling the truth, but now I'm not so sure. You even said one day you were going to marry me. I laughed, trying to hold back my tears. Why would someone want to marry ME? I'm not someone people would want to spend their life with, especially forever.

He told me that he loved me first.

When I read it, I cried so much my vision went blurry.

How could he love ME out of all the people in the world? I read it over and over. I had asked him if he meant it. He replied, "I really do." I cried even more.

Had he really loved me? Did he truly feel this way? Was he lying to me?

That day I texted him that I missed him. I was upset because he didn't text me for over a week. He replied so quickly and said, "I miss you, too. I've just been so busy." Once I read it I just said "ok." I was a bit upset that he hadn't told me.

Then that's when he texted me,

I love you :(

I felt bad because I was being dry to him.

When I look back and think of it I wonder if he said it out of pity. Did he really mean it or did he feel bad for ignoring me so he said that to make me feel better?

I did tell him I really loved him too. He asked if I meant it and I sent him a paragraph telling him so. That might be why he doesn't want me anymore.

Maybe I freaked him out. So he started to push me away because of it. I wrote him a paragraph because other times I could have told a boy how I felt but then I would chicken out. I didn't want to miss my chance this time, especially with him.

I can't help but love him even if he doesn't love me anymore.

Thats the funny thing about me.

There's this weight deep down in my lungs. This weight makes it hard for me to breathe at times. When the weight becomes so heavy I feel my eyes start to swell up with tears. I try to hold them until I'm alone and far away enough so no one can hear me.

I have no logical reason to have such feelings. But it feels more physical than emotional. Its like im being stabbed over and over again in my chest. I don't see how an emotion could cause such physical pain.

Sometimes I wish I was a ghost. So people would only feel my presence but not see me. It would be easier that way. Everyone would be so happy. Sometimes I wonder If I truly excist. Am I real? Am I meant for happy emotions? I dont like to show people how I feel because they ussually ask me why? I dont really have a reason it just happens and it makes me upset. I dont want to feel this for no reason and just a cause.

I write to make me feel better. I does help. Sometimes I wish I had a therapist but I dont have any real problems. Theres people who have it worse, a real reason for cause.

When I'm alone I don't have to pretend to not be sad. Most of the time I'm in my room sitting and writing away. I love to draw to. Its a passion of mine but not something I'll persue. It will always be a hobby of mine though. I love to read as well. I'm a simple person not too complex. Theres many things about me that I think are interesting but no one ever stays long enough to find out.

Music is my life. I dont make it i'm not that talented but I did listen more than 98% of listeners in the US since last year. I had listened to about 108,328 minutes on spotify in 2022. I wonder how much it will be this year. I can't really sing but I enjoy singing in the shower and in my room at times.

My birthday is November 13th, I don't like being the center of attention. I get anxciety when I order food because I get overwhelmed when people notice me. It's funny because I get noticed by other people but not by the ones I want to be noticed by. 

I hope one day I'll be able to look back on myself and just smile. One thing I am for in life is to be a wonderful mother and have a loving husband. Money and other things don't matter to be me. Love is the most important thing in life itself. 

What can I say I'm a hopeless romantic... 

Word count- 1120

I really hope you loved my first rant of the day.