beautiful scars on critical veins

another one huh

I couldn't believe what I just saw , my father cheating on my mom , no , that's not right !!
I looked again , and oh God , it's true , he was so happy talking with this stranger , his eyes that once were fill with regrets now are fill with joy and glee , gazing at his computer screen , gazing at this women , blond young women , he was talking in a way that showed he's really into that staranger , the way he looked at her ! I realized he was quit into her , quit ready to leave my mom and meet her and live with her , all my life I thought that dad was one of my close friends , he wasn't just a father to me , he was everything , I shared everything With him and now all that is gone

I couldn't stand the idea of him leaving my mom or leaving the house , we'll die , I couldn't let my mom live that , she was sick , I couldn't put her body and mine in the test yet

So I left left my spot , and went to my room , the night passed as calm as it could ever be , I kept thinking about my life , my choices , I thought I had a chance to live a better life with my real dad , or mom , I thought maybe I could leave this word and leave it to them , I wanted to run away

I was sitting in the dark alone thinking about everything till I heard a knock on the door ,

" yes .. " I whispered to the dark space and air surrounding me

" Ellie , can I enter ? " my dad sounded mad about something as those words left his lips

" of course , ah , come in " I was confused , my mind shifted from the leaving thoughts to the 'what if '

What if my dad knew I saw him

What if he was leaving

What If i can't stop him

What if

I heard footsteps coming towards me after he opened the door , bright light coming from behind it , the Room was still dark , he didn't turn on the light but just stopped when he was closer to me , I was up on my feet , he was just a bit taller then me , so my gaze went straight looking at his big brown eyes , it was all dark just a bright light was coming from behind him as he stood more closer to me , I felt scared , so scared of what could happen that moment

" you're gonna tell her , right ? " My thought were inturpted by his words , I couldn't move or say anything , I just froze " I said , DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT TELL HER ? " he almost yelled at me but it sounded as a whisper , am sure he didn't want to wake my mom , I was so deep looking into his eyes trying to calm him down without even saying a word but then out of the blue ,

he took off his blue jeans belt and kept staring at me , before I knew it , he took one step back and turned to close the door and turned on the lights , after that I could clearly see his face , it was a dark shape of red , he was indeed angry , for a moment I let everything out of my mind and dropped to the floor , my head in my hands , trying to hide my tears , I knew that belt was meant for .. The only thing I've never experienced

He moved closer to me , I could fear my heart jumping off my chest , as he moved slow towards the conner I was sitting in. He started laughing ! I was so confused , I looked up at him , he was still laughing hard like everything is so funny and it's all a joke to him , to me, like my life was a joke ,

" you... Stupid whore ! You should thank us you know ah !! You're just like you're mother , a stupid whore ....."

As the word 'mother' left his lips ! I couldn't believe. I mean I never knew her or anything , so why did he calle...... 'SLAAP ' without any second left ! He rose that belt and slammed it hard on my left hip , I couldn't even stand on my feet as I try to cover myself , I couldn't move ,I just froze like that ,

till he spoke again "you're still stuck here , remember ! You better act nice and never speak a word about this "

I just wanted to speak and yell at him ,

so that's what I did , " should I ? Ah ... You want to hit me again , just DO IT , UGHH , I don't care anymore " I regretted those words the moment they left my lips , then he did it again , this time harder then before in my left hip also , I just fell into the ground , fearing another reaction , I was so scared at the time ,

But that didn't stop him , watching me fall didn't stop him , hearing me cry didn't stop him , instead I felt worthless while he kept repeating that same action over and over and over again ,

After pain I started feeing numb , at least my body was numb at that moment I didn't even care ! So I just closed my eyes and before I knew it he was already gone .

-----------

It was 2 Am , when I decided to get out of my room and go to the bathroom to clean up
I took a 5 minutes shower , then I just stayed in the bathroom floor thinking about what happened earlier , I was so cut out of my mind till I realized I can't leave , and I can't live with them , after a moment I broke one of my razors and used it blade ,

One cut ,

two ,

three ,

Ten ,

twenty ,

Deep ,

Blood ,

Pain ,

Do it again ,

You stupid whore

Just like your mother

That voice kept talking inside my head ,

Give up ,

I wanted to give up

Come on

How can I be so blind !

Shut up and do it again

No , why me !

Hush come on , come on ,

"I give up "