nsb oneshots!!!!

healer (sebryan)

t/w: mentions of extreme past abuse, kinda angsty, sharp insults, many arguments, mentions of self harm, low self esteem, panic attacks. (basically every trigger warning ever)

(ryanandseb are already together)

I wanna fucking die.
That's the first thought in Sebastian's head when he wakes up. When he tries to move, the pain from his arm shoots up. He groans and grips his arm with his other one. He sucks in a deep breath and struggles to stand. He walks to the bathroom and grips the countertop, his head hanging between his shoulders. His runs his hand under the running water in the sink and winces when it burns. He opens the cabinet and grabs a few bandages and wraps his arm up. He walks back into his room and pulls on a full sleeve tshirt and a hoodie for good measure. It's convenient that it's winter. He takes a deep breathe and walks out of his room, plastering a smile on his face. He runs down the steps, towards the kitchen. The only person he wants to see right now is his boyfriend. When he notices Ryan cooking, he smiles, for real right now. He walks over to him and slips his arms around Ryan's waist, resting his cheek on Ryan's back. Ryan smiles and turns off the stove and keeps the pan aside. He turns around, wrapping his arms around Sebastian. "You sleep well?" Sebastian just nodded. His throat ached too much to speak. He still forced out a few words. "You guys were being too loud playing. I kept waking up." Ryan runs his fingers through Sebastian's hair, "Aw, if you want to go back to sleep, you can go. You've worked hard the past few weeks, you deserve the rest." Sebastian shook his head. "Not now. I wanna spend time with you." Which, was true to some extent. But he wanted to distract himself from his agony more than hanging out. Luckily enough, as long as he was with Ryan, most of those bitter feelings used to disappear. But nowadays, nothing seemed to help. Ryan smiled at Sebastian. "Sit down, okay? I'll get you breakfast." Sebastian sat down on a chair and pulled out his phone. He opened his messages, to see who texted him when he was "sleeping." The first message was enough to send him spiralling. His dad texted him. "Look at Oliver. Your brother is so fucking amazing and he does everything with grace. You, on the other hand are dumb as fuck. Why are you even in north star boys? What good are you anyway? Have you ever looked at yourself and questioned that? You're too full of yourself to care for other people. I'm your father and you have no right to cut me off. I parented you, I raised you. If I didn't bring you into this world, how could you have done what you are doing? Not that it even makes an impact, you're just fucking worthless. You should try by leaving north star boys and ridding them of a burden as valueless as you." Sebastian clenched his phone in his hands. No matter what he does is never enough for that man. Oliver's breathing is impressive for him but Sebastian's best is never good enough. He tried to hold back his tears. His eyes were stinging but he managed to not cry. When Ryan put his plate infront of him, he just ate without speaking and ran upstairs. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He especially didn't want to look at Oliver. He loved Oliver but his dad made it hard to appreciate him sometimes. His dad did enough appreciating for three people, so why would he need to show it? He did spend time with Oliver but that was only because he felt obligated to. Not because he really wanted to. He stood infront of the mirror and took off his hoodie and tshirt. He ran his finger over his chest. At all the marks left behind by his dad. With every stroke, he felt a new wound open in his heart. A tear skated down his cheek. He wiped it with his other hand. He rolled up his pants, revealing more of those scars. He's never shirtless infront of any of the members. Not even Ryan. Whenever they fuck, Sebastian makes Ryan turn off the lights. Ryan never questions and just turns it off. Sebastian traces his fingers over his arm. Some scars of his own, some left behind by his dad. He chuckled bitterly and pulled his tshirt back on. He went back to bed and clutched a pillow tightly to his chest.

When he woke up again, it was nighttime. Ryan had came to check on him but Sebastian didn't speak or even opened his eyes. He decided he'd just fall back asleep again.

He woke up next morning and refused get up from his bed. Ryan let him sleep. When it was afternoon, all the members were anxious. "What's gotten into him?" Oliver asks. "As if I have any clue. You're his brother. You should go talk to him." Oliver shakes his head. "You don't understand. We both don't have a relationship outside of NSB. We're close here, yes. But as soon as we have to go back home, I suddenly don't exist to him. I don't know why tho." Oliver was lying. He knew exactly why Sebastian despised him. But he chose not to reveal that to the members. "I'll go talk to him though." Oliver said and stands up. He walks up to Sebastian's bedroom and knocks on his door. When there is no response, he just walks in. Sebastian turns around and sighs. "Leave, Oli. Let me be." Oliver shook his head and walked towards him and sits on the bed. "Did.....did dad say anything again?" Sebastian nodded and let himself cry. It's Oliver so he doesn't care. "I hate you." Sebastian mutters under his breath. Oliver sucks in a breath, trying not to cry himself. "Don't tell Ryan. Please." "You know I won't ever."

It had been going on for weeks. Sebastian wasn't talking to anyone or even glancing at anyone. It was becoming too much. Only during filming he got excited. It went away as soon as the cameras turned off. He locked himself in and refused to talk to anyone. It was nighttime and he was laying in bed, sleeping. He jolted awake from his nightmare, sweating, tears running down his face. He was shaking all over. The nightmare was his own memory. His worst memory from childhood. He remembers it vividly. How his dad walked in drunk. How his dad grabbed Sebastian's hair and banged his head on the wall. How his dad slammed the alcohol bottle on his head. How he had felt the blood trickling down. He hugged his knees and buried his face in them, trying to calm down. He had chills running over his body. He couldn't take it anymore as he threw his covers away and unlocked his door. He ran over to Ryan's room and swung the door open and slammed it shut. Ryan was startled awake. "Hey, you okay?" Ryan asked as Sebastian was cuddling up to him. Sebastian didn't say anything and just hugged Ryan. Ryan could feel Sebastian shaking so he kept quiet and ran his fingers through Sebastian's hair. They both fell asleep together, after weeks.

When Sebastian woke up the next morning, he was distant once again. Ryan was confused. Bur Sebastian did come down for breakfast, which was an improvement. Oliver was sitting at the table too, frowning at his phone. "Dad wants us home." Oliver suddenly announced. Sebastian tensed. Ryan was sitting beside him and he felt it. He kept his mouth shut tho. "I-I'm not going." Sebastian said. "He wants you home more than me." Sebastian shot daggers at Oliver. Oliver shrugged. Ryan took this as his cue to leave. He put his plate in the dishwasher and left the kitchen. "What the fuck, Oliver? You're my brother you're supposed to protect me. Not throw me in danger. You may be favorite child, but I'm not." "Listen, try it once. See how it goes." "Fuck no, Oliver. I don't say I hate you for no reason. You're my brother for fuck's sake. You know how that man treated all my life. How'll you know what I went through though? You were treated as a fucking king. You were worshipped in that household. Nick and Alex were the ones who saw what I went through. I'd rather fucking kill myself that step foot in that house." Oliver sighed. "Nick and Alex are coming, alright? Just one shot. Please?" Sebastian grips his fork and sighs. Oliver walks around the table and hugs Sebastian. He starts tearing up and ends up crying as he pulls Oliver closer. "I won't let Dad even touch you, Sebastian."

thank you for reading!!!
the actual author note will be in part two‌!!