Swan's Fire

6. I Just Wanna Be Perfect...That's All

The next day, I mustered the courage to knock on Minji's office door. She welcomed me warmly, and I decided to share my progress. "I just wanted to say, I finished," I began, but she raised a curious eyebrow. "That swan's," I continued, and she seemed to deflate.

"Haerin, how do I put this," she began, taking a deep breath, "when I look at you, all I see is the White Swan." My heart sank at her words. "The Black Swan, it's a hard job to dance both," she added, her voice laced with a touch of frustration. I flinched, surprised to hear her swear softly. I averted my gaze, feeling a mix of emotions.

"I can dance the Black Swan too," I insisted, but she raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Really, in four years I've seen you dance, you get every move perfect, but I never see you lose yourself," she explained, emphasizing the word 'never.'

"All this straining for what?" Minji's voice rose slightly. "I just want to be perfect," I whispered, correcting myself internally—no, I needed to be perfect. She sighed, and her next words resonated deeply.

"Perfection isn't just about control," she said, standing up and approaching me. "It's also about letting go, surprising yourself so you can surprise the audience, transcendence." Her words were filled with passion as she leaned in closely. "And few have what it takes."

"I think I do. I think..." I trailed off timidly. Minji leaned in and kissed me, igniting a powerful desire within me. I moaned and responded to the kiss, but my mind was racing. The voices in my head began fluttering like butterflies, driving me to the brink of madness.

Suddenly, Minji broke the kiss with a loud "uphm!" and held her lip in disbelief. "You bit me?" she exclaimed, her voice tinged with shock. I gasped, "I can't believe you bit me!" Minji's tone shifted, and she wiped away the blood, her teeth stained. Feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, I quickly left, bursting through the door and running away before she could say more.

As I retreated from Minji's office, her parting words echoed in my mind: "That's exactly what I need from you." It was clear that I had a long journey ahead, filled with challenges, sacrifices, and self-discovery, to fully embody both the White Swan and the Black Swan in the performance of a lifetime.

When I arrived home, I found myself in a state of turmoil. I had kissed my artistic director, my idol, my secret crush, and then I had bitten her. What had come over me? I had no clear sense of what I truly wanted or what I was doing.

I couldn't help but cry, though it only lasted for a brief moment. My emotions were tangled and confusing. I was meant to be the White Swan, wasn't I? I felt like a stranger to myself as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. It was as though I had disappeared, lost in the depths of my own mind.

When I finally returned to my senses, I realized that I had left scars on my hand from where my nails had dug into my flesh. My hands were clenched so tightly that my fingers quivered. It was a haunting reminder of the inner chaos I was grappling with.

As I stared at my trembling hands, I felt a strange sensation. I imagined tiny bugs crawling beneath my skin, and I couldn't help but shriek in horror. Panicking, I rushed to the sink and ran my hands under the water, trying to wash away the disturbing sensation. But then, I flinched as I realized that the imaginary bugs were gone. It was all in my mind.

I sighed heavily, burying my head in my hands. My actions and thoughts were spiraling out of control, and I was trapped in a maelstrom of confusion and self-doubt.

In the solitude of my room, I struggled to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that had consumed me. My encounter with Minji had left me feeling more lost and uncertain than ever.

I knew that I had to be the White Swan, the embodiment of purity and grace, but it seemed like something inside me was constantly pushing for more. The pressure to be perfect, to meet Minji's expectations, was a relentless force, and I had succumbed to it, biting her in a moment of intense passion and vulnerability.

As I examined the scars on my hand.

In the dimly lit room, the wall-sized mirror beside my bed reflected my determined gaze. I had always sought solace and clarity in the reflection of myself, and tonight was no different.

Without hesitation, I rose from my bed and donned my pointe shoes. They were a constant reminder of my dedication and my relentless pursuit of perfection. As I laced them up, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to practice, to push myself beyond my limits, to find a way to become the Swan I was expected to be.

The hours passed, and the room filled with the sound of my pointe shoes softly hitting the wooden floor. My body moved gracefully and tirelessly through the routines I had learned over the years. The sweat glistened on my skin as I continued to push myself, my reflection in the mirror never wavering.

Time seemed to lose its meaning as I danced, lost in the rhythmic flow of the movements. I didn't need rest, and I didn't need sleep. All that mattered was the relentless pursuit of perfection, the unending dedication to my craft.

As the night turned into dawn, I finally paused for a moment, catching my breath. My body ached, and my muscles screamed in protest, but I felt a strange sense of satisfaction. I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit, and it was in those moments of exhaustion that I felt most alive.

I looked at my reflection once more, a silent and unyielding figure in the mirror. The battle to become the White Swan was far from over, and I would continue to fight, even if it meant sacrificing everything else. For in the pursuit of perfection, there was no room for empathy or hesitation.

The moment I stepped into my assigned cast changing room, I was taken aback by its beauty. The room was a haven of solitude, separated from the bustling activity of the other dancers. It felt like a sanctuary dedicated to my performance, and I couldn't help but gasp at its splendor.

The walls were adorned with elegant floral patterns, and as I entered, my eyes were drawn to a magnificent bouquet of flowers perched on the chair with my name on it. The blossoms were resplendent, radiating vibrant colors and a sweet, enchanting scent that enveloped the room. Each petal seemed to glisten with a delicate touch of nature's artistry.

Overwhelmed by the beauty of the flowers, I leaned in to appreciate their fragrance. As my fingers brushed against the petals, a smile played on my lips as I noticed the tag attached to the bouquet. It was a message from Minji, a message meant to motivate and inspire me.

"Haerin, keep up the hard work, we need more of that bite," the tag read. I couldn't help but feel a surge of determination. These were the words I needed to hear. I gently removed the tag and carefully tucked it into my pocket, a reminder of the expectations and the drive to meet them.

Just as I was settling in, the door swung open, and Elara walked in. I couldn't hide my apprehension as she entered the room. Her nonchalant attitude and the cold gust of wind that accompanied her presence left me shivering.

"Thank God I'm here on time," she remarked, shedding her layers. I remained silent, my guard firmly in place. Elara glanced around the room, her understanding of my demeanor evident.

"Okay," she said, accepting the tense atmosphere between us. We got ready in silence, both of us acutely aware of the rivalry and the pressure that hung in the air, as we were called for yet another dress rehearsal.