red admiral.

e

― 1. up up.

just when things were looking up, too.

_

there's.. something wrong here.

you blink.

the world moves in slow-motion. honey in winter. a hike without water. everything is in the process of― falling in water. drowning? (what does it mean to sink? to slip into the cold? if a tree falls in a forest, and you are riding a train halfway across the country, what happens if someone pulls the lever? what is the worth of a tree to a human life? on one track is your sister and― what is her name? what is a sister?) you blink.

you're—you're not in your full capacity right now—you feel.. small. like you're not quite right (maybe it's the world that isn't quite right)—your head feels like it's the wrong size; it's heavier than it's supposed to be or.. are you weaker than you normally are? are you? something feels wrong—you blink.

(what's your name again?)

the world comes into focus like you're coming of anesthesia. (what is anesthesia? what is focus—your head hurts so much—it feels..) you're tired right now. it's this all consuming thing and—what does it mean to consume? what what what—what is anesthesia? your head hurts and you try to blink it away. it feels blinding but you can't see—you can't see anything and your brain hurts (what is a brain? what are you? what is anesthesia?) you feel like—there's a pain in your head like your mouth after you got your wisdom teeth removed—what is a wisdom tooth?

you blink. the headache.. what is that, anyway? do you care? do you care? (no, what's you're name?)

you blink. the world is suddenly so—bright! you are somewhere green and (what is green? a color, the trees have leafs and they're green) warm. you are so, so warm and comfortable and tired but you're not supposed to sleep during the day. your manager gets on your ass for sleeping during the day, during your job—what does it mean to work? you are tired and hurting and your sister is—

you blink.

something is bubbling in your mouth. you cough up something, and—

"nakiév vańō nānā—" says something so close to you, and you can't be hearing right, "vańōàōg, dīdī. mā-má, dīdī, vańōàō mā-má. mā. má. vańōàō māmá—"

"aī, pāpá. pā. pá."

your head—it throbs, pulses awkwardly against the inside of your head. you want to blink away again, but you really should focus on these—people. they're so bright—the one with dark clothes and darker hair is holding you tightly and warmly and lovingly; the one with lighter hair and lighter eyes coos at you, "yī rāikèt dīdī. kyō-kyōń."

"yái žarìkōž."

you blink. (who are you again?)

"ariko?"

_

your name is žarìkōž—zh-ah-roll your r's ree-kow-zh―except it is not. what is your name? (what's in a name?)

your head hurts. you blink.

you are four-years-old. your name is žarìkōž rāńyk — (zhahreekowzh raynheek) you are the son of someone in high power, for he is all silver hair and calm, calm eyes like honey. you are four-years-old and you are an only child until you are not—again. again—your māmá tells you to name her, your sister and you — what is a sister, you have a sister, you have a family—an ALL-AMERICAN family with ALL-AMERICAN names and in an ALL-AMERICAN house and then you do not and—you blink. "diana—"