Silence & The Noise - Fallon's Story

The Accident

Passing out isn't what it feels like in the movies. It's not light or theatrical. It hurts. I walked up the street with a slight limp. I was finally slowing down enough to feel all the pain I was in. That adrenaline is hell of a drug. I would have taken another shot of it if I could. My walk slowed as my only thoughts blurred. I quickly became confused why I was struggling so much to keep going. I hadn't stopped to even consider what I looked like. My only cognitive thought was I needed to get home because I was going to fall down. Then it dawned on me, I didn't have a home any longer. That's where I came from. As my vision began to blur I tripped and fell. I couldn't even discern what I was seeing but I must be on the ground since I wasn't standing any longer. I curled up to the ground feeling like I was floating. Weirdly enough, I saw someone run up and I reached out to see if they were real. Then it all went black.

The next thing I remember is ugly annoying cackling. I sprung up then immediately regretted this action with pain bolting through my head.

"Hey little lady you may want to take it easy"

"My names not little lady" my response shot out of me before I could think.

"Well please lay back I need to get your meds ready" A nurse demanded of me. It took a moment for me to register I was in a hospital as her click clacking on the keyboard didn't give that away. I could smell the sterile, antiseptic scent of the hospital room, a stark contrast to the world I had known before. Then, I heard the annoying cackling again of the nurse station outside the room. Oh phenomenal. I am by the nursing station. Can't wait for that all night long. The nurse tried her best to get me to agree to a rape kit, but I didn't respond. I didn't want to talk to anyone truly. I get it, I can see them trying to do their job and be nice but I was not in a place for someone to be nice to me. Any professional that walked in I shunned into silence. I have enough to worry about, like where the fuck am I going to go when I leave? There's no one on this planet who cares if I'm alive or dead. As soon as I am alone I analyze my surroundings. It appears to be daytime but I am not sure what day it is. I escaped at night so I am hoping the next day? There was no way to know truly. I keep feeling my thoughts go in and out of waves as I take in the silence of the room around me. I was by the nursing station so it wasn't a secret how disliked I was by them and how 'difficult' I was being. Yes, so sorry for not being sunshine and rainbows for you to have an easy day.

I felt yet another person step into the room and I snapped my glance to them. This had to be the hundredth person to come by. I realized soon that this person did not work there as they stood at the back of the room. He towered over the room, his broad shoulders commanding attention. Radiant russet-brown skin glowed under the harsh fluorescent lights, and his eyes, deep-set and expressive, widened in surprise as our gazes locked. I wasn't sure what he wanted exactly until he walked forward and sat something on my table. It took me exactly five seconds to process the item he sat down as my ring I must have misplaced. It took me another five seconds to reach my hand forward to pick it up then shovel it back onto my usual right hand ring finger. I reached my hand out and looked at the ring. At least something is looking normal again. I look back to this guy who kept the same wide eyed expression then gave a solemn thumbs up. He must have seen me when I got picked up to come here. Only reason he could have my ring. I couldn't recall anything, or who this guy even was. I got lost in my thoughts again and when I looked back, he was gone.

"We need to know who you are." I had a nurse beg me. I looked back with a grimace. This particular nurse was a fucking bitch. I was by the nursing station, I could hear how much she disliked me and how 'difficult' I was being.

"Well if you want to be difficult that's fine. I know you have a tattoo on your chest and the police were informed about it, might as well come clean" I had a sweep of panic fall over me as I immediately looked down at my symbol tattoo in the middle of my chest.

"Get lost. I'm the only one touching my girl with inked needles." He told the artist who usually did all the tattoos for members. The artist left quickly leaving him all the supplies. I was shocked they listened to him so fast, but as I learned people usually listened to him. He commanded it. He looked at me up and down then touched my chest with his fingertips right at the sternum. "Closest to your heart, babe. It's perfect" He said as he decided the placement himself without my input. I really didn't care as long as he kept looking at me like he was. He didn't pick just anyone to admire and boy was he obsessed with me. It makes you feel wanted, like you were worth ogling over. He tattooed it on my chest himself.

"It may be their symbol but I hope you always think of me. I'll always be with you right here" He whispered with a small smile, it made me swell with joy.

These thoughts caused pain to flood my body each vein at a time as if my IV was spiked.

The same person who told me how much he loved me endlessly is also the one who caused me to be in this hospital in the first place.

I think quickly and on my feet,

"It's Claire" I lied to this nurse, she looked back seemingly smug that she got me to 'come clean'.

My name is not Claire. But I know a girl who looks enough like me to say I am Claire. She a bitch too so I don't feel too bad.

"Claire what?" The nurse asked. Thankfully I knew Claire pretty well and would love to throw her under a bus.

"Claire Finster, date of birth 9-8-99". I always remembered her birthday because she would look in the mirror and say "I look just like my birthday, almost perfect" alluding to her 'almost perfect birthday' as being one day off from all 9's. I always thought it was a weird saying.

"Thank you Claire. We are only here to help you okay?" The nurse told me with every fake niceness in the world. The police came later and asked me questions. I made up some story of a gang fight. I don't really remember. They didn't seem too interested. Nothing really came of the questions. They said they would be in touch as they left yet didn't collect my contact information. Nice.

Discharge went off early the next morning. I was given some crutches, a taxi voucher, and discharge paperwork on the front sidewalk of the hospital. I guess I'm on my own now. I look around to find the cross streets where I am at but don't recognize them. I really need to go south. I move my way to a bench and gather my next moves. I scan the environment and find a payphone. Who knew they even still had those around? I gathered the change and the discharge nurse slipped me with a wink, which was sweet of her in retrospect but I didn't respond. I made a face at the crutches being so angry I even have to rely on something to walk. This is ridiculous. I used the crutches to get me to the phone which took an embarrassing amount of time. I made a few calls of numbers I recalled, it's been a while. Not many picked up.

I really had to pull on some strings from my past to get someone to bite. I found a guy, Dan, from way back in the day who lived at the same shelter I did as a teenager. It was unfortunate for me that he was still homeless, but he did know the resources better. I met up with him off a southern bus stop I wasn't familiar with.

"Holy fuck Fell, what went on with you?" Dan offered, somehow managing to call me a horrid nickname from the past.

"You should see the other guy" I remarked. Dan told me about the areas he goes to, and showed me where the two shelters are on this side of town. He then proudly told me how he is banned from both currently so he is 'staying with a buddy' which usually means outside. I decided to follow Dan to his 'buddy's house' who also had a lot to say about my condition. I didn't talk much but there were a few beds and people were tweaking out everywhere. I wasn't really into being strung out especially when I couldn't defend myself in a house full of people I didn't know also on drugs. I wandered around the house looking most likely pathetic on my little crutches. One of the girls on a couch called out to me,

"Hey girl, you take my bed across the house. You need a good rest." She offered in a kind way. I wasn't going to take a no for that. I moved to the back of the house and found the room she was talking about. It wasn't the worst but I still slept on top of the covers. I also locked the door without a peep all night. Things like that kept happening every day for a week. Just living from house to house, place to place. I was exhausted but all I did was sleep and all Dan did was drugs. During the day Dan liked to hang out in the subway for the potential of pick pocketing and I liked to stay in cold, dark places and not get sunburnt so we would go there together.