Ghappy's Not-So-Secret Diary

Dishonest.

Started 23/08, Finished 14/10, Uploaded 18/11

TW: Suicide, Guns

Flowers grow and rivers flow,

But everybody knows how this will go.

I really wish we never let eachother go.

As I wake up this morning the rain drizzled down

I wonder what would of happened if I had kept my head down

I love the rain. You loved how I loved the rain.

The way you sat by your windowsill for a half,

aching your arms, while I finished my drafts.

As I went downstairs I could smell lemon pie,

My favourite scent. Your favourite send.

The first time you had sent me a lemon pie.

I wondered how many more summers we will have together.

I decided to go for a walk in the woods.

I haven't left my bed in days, What would be the harm?

I put on my shoes, I put on my jacket, I put on my scarf.

I grab my bag. In it I shove my phone, my powerbank, and my camera.

As I walk down the trail I admire the autumn leaves. I snap a few shots.

Shots. Shot. You almost got shot. I remember it all.

You walked downstairs. You unlocked your dads cabinet.

You took out a gun. You loaded it. You took some spare bullets.

You hid it in your jacket. You told your parents you were going for a walk.

You told me the truth. I screamed and I cried and I tried to call the cops.

You turned off your location and walked to the forest nearby your garden. 

I texted your sister until she answered, What I wish I had known that it was honestly you.

You answered me hours later. Saying your sister had found you. 

I wish I had known that she was you. I wish I had known you never had a gun.

December 25, 2021. I had promised you I would never hurt myself again. You promised me for as long as I were alive you would never think of losing me nor yourself.

April 17, 2022. You put me through hell. 

A day late I went to hospital. I had been cracking and I had finally broke.

As I lie in that bed I wish you had been considerate. 

Today was my mothers birthday, but did you care?

My mother had spent her last christmas in hospital,

I wish I had done the same. 

December 25, 2016. I visited my mom in hospital. We had one last christmas together.

December 25, 2017. I cried. I baked cookies. I cried. I lit the tree. I cried. I danced with my friends.

December 25, 2018. I was laughing. I was smiling. I was ecstatic to receive my first crystal.

December 25, 2019. I ate all of my food. I had seconds. I loved my new book.

December 25, 2020. It was during COVID. My family celebrated christmas on a video call.

December 25, 2021. I was admitted. I had my bloody life in my bloody hands.

December 25, 2022. I was home. Things had changed. My family had grown. 

December 25, 2023. I hope I'm not alive for this one.

October 14, 2023. I wish I could erase all that had happened. I wish I could erase all the damage that you left.

I picked up my camera off of the floor. I took some more shots of the forest. I tried to ignore the flashbacks, as painful as they were. 

I placed my hand gently against a red rose. You loved roses. You loved how the thorns dug into my hands as you gave them to me. You loved watching the petals fall while quoting Beauty and The Beast.

The Beast. God, You remind me so of him. You were cursed. You didn't know any better. You and your family were cursed. It wasn't your fault. Until I learnt it was. You were my Beast and I was your Ariel. You took my voice in trade for my freedom. You swore to me if I were to ever speak then I would lose much more so.

You were my disney villain. My misunderstood sweetheart. My perfectly flawed idol. 

You were my Ursula and I was your Ariel, for you took away my voice.

You were my Cruella de Vil and I was your Perdita, for you took away what I loved.

You were my Maleficent and I was your Briar Rose, for you pricked me.

You were my Gaston and I was your Belle, for you never let go of me as hard as I tried.

You were my Lady Tremaine and I was your Cinderella, for you shut me away from the world and my love.

You were my Mother Gothel and I was your Rapunzel, for you never wanted me to be with my family.

You were my Shan Yu and I was your Emperor, for you declared war onto anybody who tried to save me.

You were my Hans and I was your Anna, for you belittled me when I needed you most, and made me believe that what we had was love.

You were my Si and my Am and I was your Lady, for you blamed all of your faults on me.

I left the forest and went to the high street. Surely nothing in my own town could remind me of somebody so far away.

* This writing is about my ex/abuser and the traumatic flashbacks