Moral Ambiguity

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It's quiet, the girl thinks. Although, she doesn't actually know; she just assumes so. She has music blasting in her ear, her thick headphones acting like a heavy coat. She's not a music freak. But she loves music. She tells her little sister this, but apparently if doesn't makes sense. In the girls eyes, it does.

She likes music. She likes how loud it can be, or how quiet it can sound. How the genre varies. How some music sounds like great pieces of literature in her head. How music drowns out everything else going on in ones life. She loves music, she doesn't just like it.

So she assumes it's quiet in the dead of the night. It two past ten, and it's past the time she should actually be asleep. She has an exam the following day, and she's thriving to ace it.

Even so, she just won't sleep. She lets tame Impala's Currents album blast through her ears. it's probably too loud then it should be.

It's not like she can't sleep; it's obvious her eyes threaten to close on her at any moment. her body it drooped and she slumps comfortably into her pillows. It just that she doesn't want to sleep.

Because when she starts to drift to sleep, she alone with her thoughts.

When she's awake, music drowns that out. When she's going to slumber, nothing stops the endless flow of thoughts in her brain.

It's not like she's thinking of the end of all time, or that her life is shit. because frankly, and most surprisingly in her mind, her life is pretty good for the most part—at least right now. Her grades have been pretty good, sure she got an eighty four on that science quiz but at least she passed. She thinks she's studying pretty decently too (if you call watching streamers and doing literature studying, then sure). 

She hasn't got into any big trouble besides the occasional scolding for forgetting to do a chore or two, but she's been getting better at remembering to do them as soon as she gets home. She can't say she has a best friend at the moment, but everyone in her grade doesn't seem to mind her anymore and the girls in her class don't seem to mind giving her company and filling her in on gossip—they even let her join their gym teams. 

She's happy knowing the time for a best friend will come. She's starting to figure out what her top schools will be. She's gotten back into writing. She's content with the way she looks. her hygiene's back on track. She isn't nervous about whether or not people will judge her outfits at school.

She believes her life is pretty good.

So really, she not anxious to be alone with her thoughts because her life is shift. She's anxious to be alone with her thoughts because her siblings lives are shit. and now all of sudden she realizes she's not the only person in the world that really matters. and that she cares for others too. And she's scared that she does. And its not because she thinks shell fuck something up, its because she doesn't like to burden of caring about others issues.

She doesn't like hearing her parents yell at her brother. she doesn't like thinking abut how her dad and brother had an argument last week. Or that one Wednesday where her parents argued for most of the morning that it came to the fact that she was on the cusp of being late to school and she's always 20 minutes early. She's upset because all she can think about is her brother thinking he's alone, or her sisters not talking to her anymore because they're on bad terms. her parents probably don't think this stuff affects her, but it does. and she knows it never did before.

But maybe now because she's happy with her life, she has to be sad about others. She doesn't believe in god, but she can't help but think its gods one last punishment to her before allowing her to become completely happy again.