Contrasting Tendencies

Chapter 13

Donnie, Mikey and Leo had already gone to bed but I sat up on the couch watching the clock tic.
Raph had been gone for hours.
If anything happened to him it would be my fault. He was out there defending my honor, or what little of it I had left.
I glanced up at his room and got up.
It was just as I expected. Minimal with weapons scattered everywhere. His bed was unmade, a thin maroon blanket tossed carelessly over it. I remembered how hot his body heat had been that morning I woke up on him, it made sense he'd have such a light blanket. 
I stepped farther into the room and saw a notebook wedged in between his matress and bed frame. Biting my lip I glanced over my shoulder, listening for his return.
It was silent.
I pulled it out from under his mattress and flipped it open.
I was surprised to find sketches, beautiful sketches on every page.
Detailed drawings of his brothers, Casey with a baseball bat and mask. Lots of flowers, mostly orchids and lillies.
"Raph likes flowers." I mumbled flipping through the pages surprised something so beautiful and feminine interested the gruff turtle. I paused when I flipped the next page. Me. Sitting at the table with Casey and his brothers.
The next page, me, smiling.
And the next, me, scowling.
I filled the pages of his sketchbook.
One in particular gave me pause.
My face in my hands, my hair wrapping around my shoulders like a wind was blowing.
The night he'd found me at Jackson's...
He'd been drawing me. For months it looked like, from the very first meeting.
One was of nothing but a tangle of hair, his hand wrapped in it.
My stomach was in knots and I felt a cold sweat break out.
The next was a drawing from above, I'd been sparing. My baby hairs slick with sweat, sticking to my face. A determined look set in my brows and lips. I was laying on the mat, or maybe I'd fallen but he'd detailed the blush in my cheeks, the way my eyes seemed to be heavy as they looked up at him.
Why do you look at me like that?
He'd asked me that. If that's the way I'd been looking at him then I had a much worse poker face than I'd thought.
"What are you doing?"
I slapped the book closed and hid it behind my back, turning to see Raph in the doorway.
"You're back."
He nodded and unclasped the belt from around his waist, setting it on his bedside table. The act was so mundane but it felt like when a man slides his belt off just before he undid his pants to give you a pounding.
I gulped.
"Why are you in my room?" He asked eyeing me.
"I was waiting for you. I couldn't sleep." I said noticing the blood on his knuckles.
"Don't worry, I didn't actually kill him if that's what you're thinking."
"I told you not to go." I said angrily.
"You never listen to me when I tell you to stay, so I guess now we're even." He said chuckling darkly.
"I don't need you to defend me, I can defend myself." I said remembering the feeling of the girls face under my fist.
"I know, I saw girls who beat you up. One of them looked like you beat the shit out of her."
His words weren't accusing, just factual.
Only Raph could be like that when it came to unsavory sins like that.
"They saw you?"
He shook his head.
"I waited until they left."
We stood there in silence for a few minutes.
"How's Jackson?"
Raph bristled at his name.
"Let's just say he won't be using his dick for awhile."
A millions thoughts went through my head at what that could have meant, what he could have done to him.
"Don't tell me you feel sorry for him?"
I pursed my lips, choosing not to answer.
"Just get out." He sighed angrily.
It was a dismissal and I hated that it made my heart burn with the need to disobey.
"No. I'm not some lost puppy you can just order around." I said gripping the book tighter behind my back.
"It's late, I'm tired. There's nothing else for us to talk about tonight. So, get. Out."
"You don't think we should talk about the stunt you pulled in the kitchen?" I said refusing to back down.
I'd hit a chord, I could tell by the way his jaw clenched.
"What about it?"
"What the fuck was that?"
He looked back to me, the intensity in his gaze sharp and full of something I couldn't place. He looked like he was deciding what to say.
"During training, were you turned on or were you disgusted because I can't fucking tell."
My face blazed like it was on fire.
"What?"
"You heard me."
I could deny it but he'd practically accused me of getting wet for him and if the drawings were any indication of how he felt, he might be experiencing the same thing.
I wanted to know, I hated that I did but I wanted to know.
"How am I supposed to react when your hands are always on me? I can't control it." I spat at him hating that he was forcing me to admit it.
"I have to touch you to teach you."
I shoved the book at him, the page of me lying on the mat still open.
"What about these? Are they for training to?"
The color drained from his face.
"Is that why you don't let me train with anyone else? Because your obsessed with me or something?"
"Watch it." He warned.
"Was training me just your sick way of feeling me up with an excuse? I'm just a desperate girl for someone to take advantage of, isn't that what you said?"
"No!" He yelled flinging to book away from him.
"Than why am I in that book!" I yelled back.
"I draw you because I can't have you. You're Casey's.." he paused and let out frustrated growl. "You're off limits."
I wanted to break something. The turtles and their fucking honor. What a terrible time for it to rear it's head.
Why did that feel like a slap in the face?
He wanted me to, but his friendship with Casey had acted like some sick chastity belt I'd been branded with.
"Off limits?" I seethed. "Like I'm some fucking doll on a shelf?"
I wanted to smack him. If Casey were here I would ring his neck to.
"Then we're done here."
I stomped my way out of his room and down the stairs. My blood roaring in my ears.
Nothing made sense. Everything was all fucked up.