This love is alive back from the dead

Buddie

“Until one day, work stops. And everything else comes into focus.” 

"What's the point? What's the meaning of life?"

“Some answers you’ve gotta find on your own, Buck.” 

Buck has been thinking a lot, about what comes next, about his own happiness, about life in general and what he wants his own life to look like. 

He's also been reading a lot of self-help books, Bobby's books about overcoming alcoholism and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Which, surprisingly— or maybe not so surprisingly— Buck actually found pretty helpful. There was a particular quote that stuck with him. "Life will always find a way to continue. Always. Life will out." 

And that's— Buck's been thinking a lot about that. About death and life, about what all of it means.

A man died, but a kid lived. Life will out.

He failed to save a man, but they saved a kid. Life will out. 

"Here." A full cup of coffee rests on the table in front of him. Just like Buck likes it. He looks up and sees Eddie, looking at him with soft brown eyes, understanding and concerned. "You okay?" He asks gently. 

He hesitates, not knowing what to say. Is he okay? He's alive and he's— 

"Yeah, I'm okay," Buck replies, lifting his chin up. The words falling from his lips feel a lot like a lie, taste bitter on his tongue as he says them out loud. 

Eddie doesn't seem to believe them either. But he nods, knowing when not to push.

"Wanna come over later? Chris will be at a sleepover with some friends but we can hang out, drink a couple of beers." Eddie tilts his head, smiling slightly. It's a small, private smile that has always been reserved for Buck.

Yes, I wanna go with you. I wanna spend the night at your house that feels so much more like home than my own apartment, I wanna stay there with you. I want you to want me to stay. Buck thinks. One of the self-help books said he needs to reach out for the things he wants. And he wants Eddie. 

He thinks of that man again, the man on that call who talked about happiness and life. He thinks of Red. 

"Last thing you want is to be at the end, holding nothing but regrets." 

The problem is, he wants too much. And he always ends up losing, anyway.

Before he can say anything, Buck's not sure if he was going to accept Eddie's offer or decline it— the alarm goes off.

-

Work is non-stop. Their first call is an accident on the freeway, and immediately from there they're headed to a house fire on Orlando Avenue. The house is ablaze by the time they arrive, the fire threatening to spread to the neighbors' houses. It's a mess of reds, oranges and yellows.