My Life, I Guess (A Memoir)

Chapter 4

In 2011, I became sucked into the world of YA books.

It got kinda out of hand. I was buying so many books a week, many of which I never even read, but the rush of buying new books was something I'd gotten addicted to. I had a Goodreads page that gained traction over the years, and I even had a book blog where I got to interview some up-and-coming authors. It felt good to have a platform where people actually cared about my opinions on those books, and I met some very kind people on that site.

One of the people I became friends with was named Kelly. She was a feisty, quick-witted and hilarious person from New Zealand. We hit it off fairly quickly and bonded over the books that we loved--and hated. She recommended to me a series called Immortal Beloved, and I've associated those books with her for so long.

Kelly told me that she had leukemia. I think she was in remission when we met, but she did warn me that it could get bad in the future. It had me worried, but for a while things seemed to be okay.

And then, so suddenly and out of nowhere, it got worse. Kelly told me through private messages that she had to be taken to the hospital. I'll never forget the feeling I had in that moment, the utter fear I had that this girl I became such close friends with would be gone. 

She said that, if anything were to happen to her, she would get her fiancé at the time to log onto her Skype and tell me the news. The last things we said to each other were "I love you".

A day or two later, I saw her Skype come online. There was a hopeful part of me that thought, "Oh my god, she's back. She's okay." 

It was her fiancé, letting me know she was gone.

Kelly's death was the first time I ever experienced the death of a loved one, someone who I was very close to. We never got to meet in person, but she was a very special person in my life. I was a wreck for weeks, because Kelly was, at that point, my only friend. She was the brightest light in my life--in the world, even--and she was snuffed out so unfairly by this cruel and merciless world.

Rest in peace to the beautiful soul that was Kelly-Jane. I hope those other people in heaven can handle your fiery spirit.

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I've talked about death quite a lot in this book, haven't I?

It's kind of something that's always in the back of my mind. I'm basically the Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie, cause those thoughts pop into my head at least once a day. If not my own death, then someone else's. My parents, my siblings, my friends, my boyfriend. It's just a constant "what if" that forces its way into my mind in the most random moments.

I think the reason I fear death so much is because it stems from my fear of the unknown in general. I fear the future, because the future is unknown. There is just no way to know what's going to happen, and considering how bleak I picture my future being, that fear is always there.

I fear death because it is the mother of all unknowns. When will I die? How? What happens afterwards? Is the afterlife real? Is there really a heaven and hell? If so, where will I be sent? Or is the afterlife just pure nothingness, and you just no longer exist? What would that be like? Would I be reincarnated?

What do I do about my boyfriend and my friends online who will wonder where I am, because nobody in my life can break the news to them that I'm dead? How do I let the world--AKA the internet--know that I died? Sure, my family will know, but they don't know the real me. In their eyes, I would die as a son. How do I make sure that I'm remembered by the people who actually know and love me? 

I mentioned earlier that in eighth grade, I considered killing myself. I didn't go through with it because of my fear of death. Because I was afraid of what dying would be like, and what would happen after. The truth was, I didn't even want to die. I just wanted everything to stop, and death seemed like the only way.